Sep 24, 2026 · 43 min · 9 segments
Jennifer Wallace has spent years studying that question and what she discovered may change the way we think about parenting, success, relationships and even our own lives. In this conversation…
Jim McCannHost
You know, it just strikes a nerve because I had a conversation last week with a friend.
I reminded her when we spoke last week that I quote her often because she does a lot of work with Shabazz High School and all the high schools in Newark, but in particular, Shabazz High School, named after her father.
And how big thing is, I want every young person, 14 years old, let's say a young man, 14 years old, going to Shabazz High School to know that he's part of something bigger.
Her point was, and I suspect yours is, that the more you feel connected and part of something bigger, it changes your judgment in terms of, if I were to do this, how would it reflect on these groups I'm a part of? What would they think of me? How would it...
enhance or risk my standing in that community, my family, my social group, my class, my team, my debating club.
And her point is she wants every young person there to know they're part of something bigger.
I visited a school for my first book, St. Ignatius in Cleveland, Ohio, and where their school motto is the Jesuit motto, better for others, men for others.
And it's a motto I adopted in my own family, that we're not just achieving to achieve for our own resumes, but we are doing it to be, we are growing, we are doing important work to be better for others.
I would say what mattering offers, anyone who is looking for deep connection, belonging, or to help others, mattering is described by researchers as a meta-need or an umbrella term, meaning it's a need that sits above other needs like connection, belonging, mastery, purpose, but it goes deeper.
So you can feel like you are connected or belong to the debate team or a classroom or the accounting office or a neighborhood, but not feel like you matter to the people there.
The way I define it is the way researchers who've been studying it since the 1980s define it, which is two elements, feeling valued by our family, our friends, our colleagues, our society, and having an opportunity to add value back across those areas.
You know, it just strikes a nerve because I had a conversation last week with a friend.
I reminded her when we spoke last week that I quote her often because she does a lot of work with Shabazz High School and all the high schools in Newark, but in particular, Shabazz High School, named after her father.
And how big thing is, I want every young person, 14 years old, let's say a young man, 14 years old, going to Shabazz High School to know that he's part of something bigger.
Her point was, and I suspect yours is, that the more you feel connected and part of something bigger, it changes your judgment in terms of, if I were to do this, how would it reflect on these groups I'm a part of? What would they think of me? How would it...
enhance or risk my standing in that community, my family, my social group, my class, my team, my debating club.
And her point is she wants every young person there to know they're part of something bigger.
I visited a school for my first book, St. Ignatius in Cleveland, Ohio, and where their school motto is the Jesuit motto, better for others, men for others.
And it's a motto I adopted in my own family, that we're not just achieving to achieve for our own resumes, but we are doing it to be, we are growing, we are doing important work to be better for others.
I would say what mattering offers, anyone who is looking for deep connection, belonging, or to help others, mattering is described by researchers as a meta-need or an umbrella term, meaning it's a need that sits above other needs like connection, belonging, mastery, purpose, but it goes deeper.
So you can feel like you are connected or belong to the debate team or a classroom or the accounting office or a neighborhood, but not feel like you matter to the people there.
The way I define it is the way researchers who've been studying it since the 1980s define it, which is two elements, feeling valued by our family, our friends, our colleagues, our society, and having an opportunity to add value back across those areas.
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