Royal Commission A Catch 9-11 Situation, Trump Wants Australian Bio Data, Apocalypse Library In New Zealand

Let's get into the headlines, shall we? Australia and Japan have signed multiple new agreements to bolster cooperation on energy, defense, and critical minerals while warning against economic coercion and promising to consider a joint response if their economic security is threatened.

But Australians all over the country were heard saying, "Look, we're ready to, to make a bit of a deal, Japan.

Come here, Japan.

Come here.

Let's make a deal.

We'll continue to give you our gas for free, but you need to improve our intercontinental rail networks for free.

How's that sound? How about it, Japan? Shall we make a deal?"For the first time, scientists have mapped all the nerves of the clitoris.

On the plus side, this work could be used to improve reconstructive procedures to restore the clitoris and clitoral function in patients who need it.

On a downside however, the kind of man who can't actually find the clitoris is definitely going to be the kind of toxic guy who doesn't need to use a map or ask directions in order to drive you to Pleasure Town.

[tongue clicks] Ladies.

An online rental platform has been urged to stop collecting users' personal information after the Australian Privacy Commissioner found the gathering of excessive data compounded the vulnerability of tenants amid the housing crisis.

A comprehensive list of the data collected includes gender information, detail on dependents, student status, bankruptcy status, retirement status, previous living history, current ownership of property, application for other properties, bond or rent assistant application status, citizenship status or visa inquiry, zodiac or astrological signs, uh, whether your sign is currently in retrograde, uh, belief in crystals, voodoo, or other forms of alternative religion, gym membership status and how often you actually attend said gym, uh, standard breakfast item choices, if you've ever been an employee of the month, your mother's maiden name, your library card number, and the last 10 books that you've actually borrowed and whether or not you read those books, your phrenology reading, uh, the current balance of your humors, your e-meter measurement, and of course, a lie detector test.

The list is informally known as the cavity search because of its intrusive nature, and it is, to be honest, as bad as that sounds, it is better than the previous name that they used to give, which was the bang bus because it'll fuck you out of your home.

Pizza, fried chicken, and donut shares have plunged on the Australian stock exchange as cost of living has caught up with the fast food industry, and everything is being downsized.

Retail food groups saw double-digit losses.

Finally, [laughs] something on the menu that isn't overpriced.

The only thing that's shrinking faster than these share prices is the size of a Domino's large.

Researchers have discovered 25 million year old platypus fossils in outback South Australia, where they are believed to have lived with ancient lungfish, flamingos, and freshwater dolphins.

Hmm.

There was one thing that stood out about the ancient animal.

They had well-formed teeth.

Scientists spent 20 years digging to confirm what we already suspected, which was that at some point the platypus was even more weird than it is now.

Imagine a platypus with a big set of chompers in its mouth.

These ancient platypuses had teeth for crushing shellfish, which means modern platypuses gave up chewing some time around the same time that we gave up having affordable housing for the working class.

A platypus with teeth feels like nature briefly considered making the creature make some kind of sense, panicked, and then immediately over-course-corrected in the other direction.