Jesus Got Rizz
Sep 24, 2026 · 13 min · 9 segments
This is the audio version of the essay from my *Underlying Issues* Substack. To subscribe to read about more of my underlying issues, please click this link or go to…
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Matt SalisHost
Sep 24, 2026 · 13 min · 9 segments
This is the audio version of the essay from my *Underlying Issues* Substack. To subscribe to read about more of my underlying issues, please click this link or go to…
Matt SalisHost
Beast a billionaire, while Harrison Ford calls social media ridiculous and a disaster.
But marketing innovation favoring the young certainly predates the conflicting views of boomers and Gen Zers.
He would have stayed completely under the radar and died a lonely Jew working at the ancient equivalent of the Mayo Clinic or as the world's first Tupperware salesman.
Today, Mardi Gras draws over 50x the attendance of the nation's largest medical convention.
Would you rather party with me or listen to my dad try to talk the father of the bride into investing in his penis-slashing pyramid scheme? People often ask why if Jesus was so good at miracles, he didn't just levitate himself off the cross.
What I want to know is why he didn't make the Romans a batch of fig and pomegranate mead.
Before he wrote half of the New Testament, changing identities more than Prince and Kanye combined, he was a Roman ice agent on his way to Damascus to bust up some Christians when the story goes that he was struck blind for three days.
I think he couldn't see because he had his keffiyeh on crooked under his MAGA hat.
Make the apostles gangrenous again, while he worked out his plans for the world's first evangelical megachurch.
Let's see, after 20 centuries of Jewish law, I'll waive the whole circumcision thing.
People can just say they're picking up what I'm laying down, and I'll promise them an eternal party with Jesus as the sommelier.
Beast a billionaire, while Harrison Ford calls social media ridiculous and a disaster.
But marketing innovation favoring the young certainly predates the conflicting views of boomers and Gen Zers.
He would have stayed completely under the radar and died a lonely Jew working at the ancient equivalent of the Mayo Clinic or as the world's first Tupperware salesman.
Today, Mardi Gras draws over 50x the attendance of the nation's largest medical convention.
Would you rather party with me or listen to my dad try to talk the father of the bride into investing in his penis-slashing pyramid scheme? People often ask why if Jesus was so good at miracles, he didn't just levitate himself off the cross.
What I want to know is why he didn't make the Romans a batch of fig and pomegranate mead.
Before he wrote half of the New Testament, changing identities more than Prince and Kanye combined, he was a Roman ice agent on his way to Damascus to bust up some Christians when the story goes that he was struck blind for three days.
I think he couldn't see because he had his keffiyeh on crooked under his MAGA hat.
Make the apostles gangrenous again, while he worked out his plans for the world's first evangelical megachurch.
Let's see, after 20 centuries of Jewish law, I'll waive the whole circumcision thing.
People can just say they're picking up what I'm laying down, and I'll promise them an eternal party with Jesus as the sommelier.
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