When Betrayal Breaks More Than Trust: How to Heal What the Relationship Broke

Betrayal doesn’t only break trust in another person; it can also rupture your trust in yourself. In this episode, Vanessa explores why betrayal can feel so psychologically disorganizing, especially when harm comes from someone or something that was supposed to feel safe. We talk about betrayal trauma, betrayal blindness, attachment injury, projection, reality testing, and why not every devastating feeling is the same kind of event. The deeper healing is not becoming harder or more armored, but learning how to grieve specifically, see more clearly, and trust yourself again. **Reference Links:** Jennifer Freyd — Betrayal Trauma Theory Use for: Betrayal trauma theory; harm from someone or something a person depends on or trusts. Link: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html Note: Freyd’s site defines betrayal trauma and includes betrayal blindness. Jennifer Freyd — Betrayal Blindness Use for: Why people may not fully register betrayal when they depend on the person, institution, or system doing harm. Link: https://dynamic.uoregon.edu/jjf/defineBT.html Note: The site describes betrayal blindness as unawareness, not-knowing, and forgetting that can preserve relationships, institutions, or systems people depend on. Jennifer Freyd — Research Overview Use for: General background on Freyd’s concepts, including betrayal trauma, betrayal blindness, DARVO, institutional betrayal, and institutional courage. Link: https://www.jjfreyd.com/about-research Note: Helpful author/researcher page for show notes. Sue Johnson / Emotionally Focused Therapy — Attachment Injury Use for: Attachment injury and emotionally focused therapy as a framework for repairing relational ruptures. Link: https://www.researchgate.net/publication/6644242\Resolving\Attachment\Injuries\in\Couples\Using\Emotionally\Focused\Therapy\Steps\Toward\Forgiveness\and\Reconciliation Note: Makinen and Johnson’s 2006 paper, Resolving Attachment Injuries in Couples Using Emotionally Focused Therapy. Emotionally Focused Therapy / Attachment-Based Healing Use for: Sue Johnson’s attachment-based framework for couples, emotional connection, and secure bonding. Link: https://psychwire.com/free-resources/q-and-a/17qfr27/emotionally-focused-therapy-and-attachment-based-healing Note: Accessible overview of Sue Johnson’s EFT frame. Peter Fonagy / Mentalization Use for: Mentalization as the capacity to understand behavior in terms of mental states: thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, intentions, and motivations. Link: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7009316/ Note: This article gives a clear definition of mentalization and cites Fonagy/Bateman’s work. ScienceDirect — Mentalization Overview Use for: Simple definition of mentalization as understanding one’s own and others’ behavior in terms of internal mental states. Link: https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/mentalization Note: Useful if producer wants a quick explanatory reference. John Gottman — Trust Metric Use for: Gottman’s idea that trust can be evaluated and is central to relationship stability. Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/ Note: Gottman Institute article explaining the “trust metric.” John Gottman — Trust and Betrayal Metrics Use for: Trust/betrayal metrics and the idea that small everyday moments can build or erode trust. Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-makes-love-last-inside-the-love-lab/ Note: Gottman Institute article referencing both trust and betrayal metrics. John Gottman — Building Trust Through Attunement Use for: Trust as built through awareness, tolerance, turning toward, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy. Link: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-3-phases-of-love/ Note: Useful for the part of the episode about trust being built through consistency, attunement, and repair over time. John Bowlby / Attachment Theory Overview Use for: Secure base, early bonds, and foundational attachment theory. Link: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4085672/ Note: Broad overview of attachment theory and Bowlby/Ainsworth foundations. Earned Secure Attachment Use for: Adults with insecure early attachment histories developing more secure attachment through reflective and relational work. Link: https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/earned-secure-attachment Note: Use as a broad reference for earned secure attachment. If producer needs a primary citation, ask for access to the Adult Attachment Interview / Mary Main literature. For educational purposes only. This isn’t therapy. If you want to go deeper, check out the written companion on Substack and explore community + training at https://www.vanessaBennett.com. **Additional Resources** **Explore:** VanessaBennett.com **Book:** The Motherhood Myth **Community:** Inner Compass Collective **Training:** Inner Compass Academy **Connect with Inner Compass** Follow on Instagram **Connect with Vanessa Bennett:** Follow on Instagram Follow on TikTok Learn more on Substack Connect with Vanessa Bennett on LinkedIn See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.