Ten Seconds to Ourselves: Tova Citrin on Story, Faith, and Finding the Way Back

I have to say that there is probably nothing that I love more in life than surprising dualities.

Because honestly, we are all a surprising duality.

And I think that when we start to acknowledge the beauty in that and not being in a box, how... how much more peaceful we can be in this world and relationships and ourselves, like recognizing that we are this and this and this and this, and we might change and be many of those things at different times, but there is something about, um, growing into ourselves in a way.

And so like that just takes time and it just takes like, I really appreciate you talking about this, you know, moving towards like just real authenticity in your own, like who you want to be, because I think about that a lot.

In fact, it like occurred to me today because I feel also as if I'm moving into that space where I'm just able to be unapologetically honest about what's happening rather than try to put myself into the picture that I think I'm supposed to be in.

And I want to go a little deeper into that because I think this is a huge part of sort of the embodiment of you know, this new self that we're born into, you know, when we become parents, but it happens a million other times in our lives.

We're becoming something new.

We're growing into a new piece.

And when we are able to do it and really experience what you're talking about, that sort of, that relief that comes with just knowing it's okay to be ourselves and that is an impact on mental health.

That is a complete settling of the nervous system.

That is the ability to deepen our relationships because we're not trying to figure something else out or sort of create something that isn't actually real.

And so for you, talk a little bit about Moving towards that ability to really say, this is what's real for me.

And I have permission to really be that.

That's a great question, Christine.

I appreciate it.

Listen, for me, I had to acknowledge that I was dealing with so much deep grief, you know, having lived through, I've lived in Israel for 20 plus years.

So even though the last three have been exceptionally brutal, I've been here 20 years and have seen more than, My fair share, I can't even remember how many wars and mini wars and explosions and things I've seen and experienced over the years, which is a lot.

But then for me in these last few years between, you know, corona and October 7th and then losing an entire network of professional people and colleagues that I cared about overnight in a split second, I had so much profound grief bottled up inside that it just felt like it was endless.

And creativity became this tool to take this thing that felt, one, that was really hard to sit with.

I do believe we have to feel it to heal it.

And I...

I didn't want to admit how much I resisted that, because I'm a very emotive person.

I talk, I share, I cry, whatever.

You know, it's not my nature to hold back, but I realized that I was holding this very, very profound, deep well of grief that felt endless.

So writing, and especially the music, even more than the novel, to tell you the truth, sitting and writing the music and watching something feeling that awful deep well of grief be able to transform into something beautiful that then i could listen to and listen to many of the songs i listen to on repeat after i write them because it just makes me feel relief and and more joy and and say okay this this ugly awful feeling isn't sitting on my heart anymore it's transformed it's in the world and i hope it can give somebody else a little bit of comfort too You know, because I write a lot on topics of healing and emotional resilience and a lot of different things, really whatever it is I'm thinking about or going through or just whatever I just kind of want to get out of my heart.