How to have better conversations (that add true value to your life)

I want to start by you thinking about the last time you were in a conversation where you felt kind of vaguely drained or like a bit flat afterwards.

I can bet it wasn't because the other person was bad at talking physically.

It's because they weren't listening.

Like they weren't taking in what you were saying and they weren't conversing back and forth with you.

Until recently, I think I've always thought being good at conversation was about being articulate, as I said.

So like knowing when to be funny or having interesting stories or using the right words and getting rid of like or um.

And don't get me wrong, that is obviously a part of it and that is helpful when we're talking about lots of things.

But in reality, being a great conversationalist is actually a very different thing.

And it is a listening skill.

It is not a talking skill.

And I think it's a skill that actually so many of us have lost or maybe not even built in the first place.

The art of being able to sit next to someone who has a completely different life or job to you and just make conversation has kind of disappeared because the need for it has disappeared particularly now so many of us live a lot more independently like we're working from home we're not going out as much we're spending more time on social media so we're communicating through social media or just communicating with our close social circle who we know and we like and we have things in common with and all of that is very convenient and there are some fantastic things that come out of that but some of the most life-changing opportunities come from having deeper conversations with acquaintances so people you've never met before or you don't have much in common with when you start talking and not being good at having those conversations And I think one of the things that I came back to again and again when I was planning for this episode was the fact that in past generations, it was kind of essential to be good at conversation because conversation is how you get anywhere.

Like conversation is very common.

You're not going to be looking down at your phone all the time.

So you might be striking up a conversation with the person next to you if you're on your own or whatever it might be.

I think A, that's a lot less common.

I also think on the other side, it's a lot less necessary.

So you can apply for a job without having a single conversation.

You can find an opportunity without having a single conversation.

You can do your job without having a single conversation.

The necessity of being good at talking and being good at conversation has kind of been removed.

Which also means that it becomes a choice to talk to new people.

It becomes a choice to be a good conversationalist, which I actually don't think it is.

I think, yes, it's a choice, but you're going to have to deal with the consequences of not having invested time into developing your conversational skills and becoming an interesting and thoughtful person to talk to who can hold that conversation, who is much more likely to stay in your mind and become an acquaintance longer term rather than someone you just talk to for five minutes.

And I think there is a little bit of this culture, and I absolutely kind of fall into it too, because we don't need to do these things and they are kind of uncomfortable.