How to Build a Secure Attachment With Your Child at Any Age with Eli Harwood (Episode 224)

Well, and what I love a-

That's huge

... what I love about that, Eli, is what, what happened in our marriage, and this is something that when we're coaching parents, we're telling them, the, the, the, the conflicts that arise with our kids, a- all too often what you see, w- we're, and we end up helping kids who are going through divorce, and lots of times those divorces-

Mm

... happen because conflict arose that the parents didn't know how to resolve with each other, and then they want us to tell the kid, "It's not your fault." But it seems like it is your fault-

Mm

... because these problems weren't there until you came, [laughs] you know? And that's-

Mm.

And so what, what I was kinda, once Sarah and I bought into this idea and understood how we wanted to parent and the vision we had, I was like, I think these moments, these conflicts with the kids are actually there to strengthen us, like to, to help us-

Mm

... understand each other better.

And if you have a partner you can do this with, well, what, what that looked like for us was like every time I overreacted to something, and Sarah, Sarah would do really good of when we came back to resolve that conflict that we had, she would say, you know, and we're kinda borrowing this from Brene Brown, but she was like, "What's the story you're telling yourself?" ...

it works for.

And, and then as I revealed that story, it helped me better understand myself and her understand me, and then she could reveal...

And typically, we were misreading the story altogether.

But as we took the time to actually communicate that, then oh man, that became such a tool with our kids.

And then n- now our kids, they don't think their conflicts make mom and dad turn against each other.

They think their-

Mm

... conflicts help mom and dad grow together, and help-

I love that

... help us be- Yeah, so then the kids are like, "Oh, it's okay to have problems because mom and dad know what to do with them," and it's actually gonna bring more intimacy in our marriage rather than more isolation, which is what it tends to do.

And so that, that's why I hope-

Mm-hmm

... e- ev- any listener who's listening to this will, will under- That's just a simple thing to do, is just like what's the-