The Many Faces of Loneliness Part 2

I want to talk about the lab, but just a few questions first.

So Dr. Stan Catkin, who I admire tremendously, his work is about relationships and how to, you know, recognize the science of your partner is, uh, not stable, emotionally unregulated, how to see, you know, how to support that, you know, a lot about the mutual observation engagement.

But he said to me something like there, and I think he says a negative thing.

He said there are couples who are perfectly content sitting next to each other on the computer, and they're not engaging, like, you know, talking.

They're just together doing something.

And I, I think that's like that, it was implied as that's a problem that's lying, but I'm like, that feels fine.

Just that that person is there.

I'm not sure I'm talking about that, but Dr. Brett, I'd love you to respond.

In our culture, we are so inundated with information and distraction and being actively involved.

I, I believe that sometimes we can, um, we're not always aware of what our connected needs are.

And so we, and to Stan's point, maybe that is healthy or that works for some people, and for others, they're not even realizing, like, that they're thinking, "This is all I get.

This is all that's available, and I, I'm longing or wanting something more." You know, we know with addiction, the searching component is what really drives us.

It's the search for something, the search, that insatiable, the sieve you're talking about.

So I think when we're really talking, as we've said, when we start the topic of loneliness, then we have to add in the definite of, like, what is connection for you? What is ideal? What is missing? What would you do differently if you're, if you're looking for a how do we, how do we get to the bottom of this? Um, or how do we maximize or optimize connection?

For me, for that individual.

Yeah, for that individual or their partner.

If a partner is, like, [chuckles] very lonely in the relationship and the other person's like, "Well, I'm happy playing Candy Crush twenty-four seven, and that, that feels good to me as long as you're on the couch next to me," there's going to be a very big disconnect there.

And then you have to under-- I mean, in that sense, part of being connected is with your partner, so their input and their feedback or their experience, I hope, is going to be factored in and considered, um, because there's a mutuality as well, um, i-in, in relationships, you know?

Well, I wanted to talk about social media a little bit and, and, but I, I, again, I'll talk about me.

So I remember my husband on the phone, we were driving to the mountains.

It was a really beautiful day, and he would not get off the phone.

And I, occurred to me, "I wanna take that out of his hands and throw it out the window." And he'll also say to me, "I'm listening to you.

We're talk-- You know, I know you're..." And I think, "How could you possibly listen to me when you have that thing in front of your face?" So, um, what leaves me feeling alone and disconnected doesn't seem to bother him a bit.

So Dr. Brett, to you, you know, 'cause I know this is really interest- of interest to you, some people are very fulfilled online, and they don't feel...

In fact, I've heard, actually, I've done some research where it is a comfort for people who are isolated.