letters to helene from vietnam, an outline of my descent Into PTSD (feat. Gus Kappler)

You saw a lot of blood and guts.

But the thing is, we didn't know we were, we were compartmentalizing.

Uh, w- we never, we never...

We saw horrible, horrible things.

Uh, and we never talked about it, though, 'cause it, if you, if you persisted on thinking about something horrible that you did or experienced, you'd be ineffective when the next patients came in.

So we partied a lot.

Well, actually, [laughs] we were self-medicating with weed and alcohol, all right? And, uh, we compartmentalized these issues, but they added up, so we drank more and smoked more weed, and each time something happened, we would just decline.

We'd just fall downhill more, fall downhill more.

And as you read the 14 letters my sister sent me, I did curse a lot.

I did drink a lot.

But each letter became more desperate and, and m- finally, by the end, I was, uh, I had post-traumatic stress disorder, but I never knew it.

You know, my wife put up with a lot when I came home.

I, I, I knew I was doing crazy things, and I knew I was taking chances, but I didn't know, I, I didn't know the pathway that I had followed, and these letters opened this up.

And when I read these letters, I said to myself, "You know, I'm still..." I'm 86.

Well, I'll be 86 in a week and a half, but I'm still a physician.

I've, I've advocated for s- veterans for over half a century.

Police, first responders, podcasters, students, whoever, we're all under stress, you know.

We may not get to the disorder part But we're all under stress, and we have to learn how to handle it.

And as I say- as you said in your introduction, I want to stress to everybody, I just bared my soul, and I want to stress to everybody that PTS and PTDS i- i- i- is, i- i- is not a, a, a, a, a game.

You know? It's not a competition.

It does not discriminate.

Uh, it- no one is immune.

You do not know it's happening to you.

It's not because you're a weak person.

It's a natural psychological response to physical or mental trauma.