368 The Missing Language in Marriage

So how can a man maybe that's hearing this and recognizes this is a couple even, recognizing this is it, but specifically the husband hearing this, how is a way to bring this up so that the other person doesn't feel attacked?

Yeah, that's a great question.

I do have a chapter called The Unsafe Woman, which is chapter four.

And I go through these archetypes.

And again, I'm addressing both parties.

So it's not just one that contributes to male emotional evasion, right? But in there, I'm saying how sometimes a woman may say, you don't want to be around me, or you never, or I feel like you put your boys before me, or you want to watch the game instead of spending time with me.

When it's presented in an accusatory way, That's going to contribute to him shutting down.

And then it undermines the very thing that the woman wants from him, which is emotional vulnerability.

So I give suggestions on, hey, let's deal with the root issue.

The root issue is you want quality time and connection.

But you presented it by attacking what you feel as opposed to actually addressing the primary concern you have.

So here are some ways we can now present it.

And I share something that my counselor shared with my wife and I.

And it was these five words changed our lives, Dr. Sandra.

And it was these five words.

Can I make a request? And so those five words, can I make a request? Hey, when you feel this way, can we deal with this issue directly? Can I make a request? When I say I need space, which is one of the respect languages, I need you to understand I'm not saying that I don't want to be around you, but maybe your man processes slower than you.

And so he needs that time.

So the request can be, hey, can you commit to coming back so that we can finish this conversation while you still allow him that space to process? Now, rather than arguing around the issue, we have a commitment to actually come back and communicate what the issue may be.

And so this will, again, help men communicate, help women navigate, resulting in relational depth, understanding, and deeper intimacy.

Oh, that's good.

That one phrase...

I feel like it needs to be right after the marriage vows.

Exactly.

Because just the way it's presented is, and so there isn't the accusatory language that's attached to it.

That's awesome.