Sunsets Are The New Happy Hour

Sunsets Are The New Happy Hour

#15: Why You Keep Choosing The Wrong Person (And How To Change That)

Aug 27, 2026 · 1 hr 4 min · 14 segments

If you keep choosing the wrong partner, staying too long, or feeling bored the moment someone healthy shows up, the problem is not your judgment. It is your nervous system running childhood survival…

If you keep choosing the wrong partner, staying too long, or feeling bored the moment someone healthy shows up, the problem is not your judgment. It is your nervous system running childhood survival patterns beneath your awareness. That pull toward intensity, the fantasy, the people-pleasing, the walls: these are wired responses, not character flaws. Angela Smigiel is a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Spiral Up Counseling in Scottsdale. In this episode she walks through the five core issues of codependency, explains how childhood roles like the hero and the lost child create adult relationship loops, introduces the talking boundary tool, and connects relational trauma directly to nervous system dysregulation. If you are sober curious or alcohol free and still feel stuck in the same painful patterns with people, this episode is for you. Chapters: (00:00) Introduction (03:35) The Five Core Issues of Codependency (09:16) Codependency on the Yoga Mat (17:37) Survival Strategies, Not Diagnoses (23:08) AI Companions and the Dopamine Trap (26:26) Recovering From What You Cannot Quit (33:57) Limerence vs Love: Fantasy and Denial (46:41) The Talking Boundary Tool (52:25) Kristen's Story: Letting Love In (01:01:13) The Workbook and Where to Find Angela Which of Angela's five core issues currently runs your life? Drop a comment below. If you're ready to feel better, think clearer, and brighten your life, you're in the right place. SUBSCRIBE for new episodes every week. As always, I'm rooting for you. 🌅 WORK WITH KRISTIN HORSTMAN 1:1 Gray Area Drinking Coaching: https://www.kristinhorstman.com/gray-area-drinking-coaching Private Health Coaching: https://www.kristinhorstman.com/health-coaching FREE RESOURCES Substack: https://substack.com/@kristinhorstman Brighten Your Life Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/865785648653696 6 Tips To Brighten Your Life: https://www.kristinhorstman.com/6-tips-to-brighten-your-life Resources for Loved Ones of Those Struggling with Substance Use Disorder: https://www.kristinhorstman.com/resources CONNECT WITH KRISTIN HORSTMAN Podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sunsetsarethenewhappyhour Personal Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachkristinhorstman Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/CoachKristinHorstman LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristin-horstman-43001280 Website: https://www.kristinhorstman.com AFFILIATES & DISCOUNT CODES Zero Proof Experiences: https://zeroproofexperiences.com/?aff=4 Bookshop.org storefront: https://bookshop.org/shop/kristinhorstman ARMRA: https://tryarmra.novel.com/login?referralCode=de9ddb1e-9f9d-4c8a-ba43-21a30abb552e Jolene Park NOURISH Coaching Program: https://healthydiscoveries.mykajabi.com/a/35865/ihLPoJPC Jolene Park Ultimate Sober Bundle: https://checkout.grayareadrinkers.com/ultimate-sober-af-bundle/?affiliate=kristinhorstman Cured Nutrition: https://curednutrition.com/collections/all?referral\_code=KRI2L0STF Loose Leaf Tea Market: https://looseleafteamarket.com?bg\_ref=nwruvHn7oD Use code TEAKRISTIN10 for 10% off (no minimum, enter at checkout) Some links above are affiliate links. I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. I only recommend things I genuinely love.

If you keep choosing the wrong partner, staying too long, or feeling bored the moment someone healthy shows up, the problem is not your judgment. It is your nervous system running childhood survival…

Codependency and Relational Trauma2:19 – 8:11

Kristin HorstmanHost

2:19

Yeah.

Kristin HorstmanHost

2:20

Tell me more about the framework.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:22

Well, I was trained at the Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona, which is one of the top treatment centers for trauma and addiction.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:30

And I was mentored by Pia Melody, and many other leaders in the field.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:36

And so the framework and foundation of that is codependency.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:42

And so when we're looking at cycles of toxic relationships, we're also having to look at codependency, right? And so that is the structure that I'm usually operating from, looking at a relational structure Relational trauma.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:02

Different than shock trauma.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:03

Shock trauma can be mixed in, but relational trauma affects my sense of self and how I see myself and what do I expect from other people and especially what do I expect from my partners, right?

Kristin HorstmanHost

3:18

That's good.

Kristin HorstmanHost

3:19

I'm glad you brought up codependency because I was going to say how, you know, that term gets thrown out a lot.

Kristin HorstmanHost

3:24

And, you know, what does it actually mean?

Angela SmigielGuest

3:29

Well, Pia Melody's definition of codependency is a disordered relationship with self.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:35

Evidenced by struggling in the extremes of five core issues caused by childhood relational trauma.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:44

And so issues with self-esteem, right? Learning that my value, my worth is dependent on what I do or how I perform or my dress size or my status or whatever it is or whoever I'm comparing myself to.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:02

My boundary system, how I protect myself or not.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:08

Reality is core issue number three.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:10

It's about, am I authentic? Do I know who I am? Can I share that with other people? Do I feel defective? Am I allergic to my own humanity? Do I have to be perfect to be loved? Is that the message? Dependency is core issue number four.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:29

How do I take care of myself versus what do I expect from other people to take care of for me? And the last one is moderation.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:40

My issues with moderation or my issues with control.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:44

Right.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:44

And and so if I'm on either extreme of any of those core issues, I'm in my codependency, whether I'm feeling less than other people or better than other people, whether I have no boundaries or my boundaries are walls.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:59

Whether I'm telling myself I'm a bad person or I have to be good and perfect.

Angela SmigielGuest

5:05

Whether I have no needs, I'm never going to ask for any needs, I'm never going to take care of myself, right? Or if I'm expecting everyone to do everything for me, right? If you can see, looking in the extremes, and then the last core issue is I'm either out of control or I'm super in control, right? Right.

Angela SmigielGuest

5:27

And that can look like everything's labeled, color coordinated, you know, OCD.

Angela SmigielGuest

5:33

Sometimes I'm in control of myself and I'm also in control of everybody and everything around me or I'm either out of control.

Codependency and Relational Trauma2:19 – 8:11

Kristin HorstmanHost

2:19

Yeah.

Kristin HorstmanHost

2:20

Tell me more about the framework.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:22

Well, I was trained at the Meadows in Wickenburg, Arizona, which is one of the top treatment centers for trauma and addiction.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:30

And I was mentored by Pia Melody, and many other leaders in the field.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:36

And so the framework and foundation of that is codependency.

Angela SmigielGuest

2:42

And so when we're looking at cycles of toxic relationships, we're also having to look at codependency, right? And so that is the structure that I'm usually operating from, looking at a relational structure Relational trauma.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:02

Different than shock trauma.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:03

Shock trauma can be mixed in, but relational trauma affects my sense of self and how I see myself and what do I expect from other people and especially what do I expect from my partners, right?

Kristin HorstmanHost

3:18

That's good.

Kristin HorstmanHost

3:19

I'm glad you brought up codependency because I was going to say how, you know, that term gets thrown out a lot.

Kristin HorstmanHost

3:24

And, you know, what does it actually mean?

Angela SmigielGuest

3:29

Well, Pia Melody's definition of codependency is a disordered relationship with self.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:35

Evidenced by struggling in the extremes of five core issues caused by childhood relational trauma.

Angela SmigielGuest

3:44

And so issues with self-esteem, right? Learning that my value, my worth is dependent on what I do or how I perform or my dress size or my status or whatever it is or whoever I'm comparing myself to.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:02

My boundary system, how I protect myself or not.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:08

Reality is core issue number three.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:10

It's about, am I authentic? Do I know who I am? Can I share that with other people? Do I feel defective? Am I allergic to my own humanity? Do I have to be perfect to be loved? Is that the message? Dependency is core issue number four.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:29

How do I take care of myself versus what do I expect from other people to take care of for me? And the last one is moderation.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:40

My issues with moderation or my issues with control.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:44

Right.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:44

And and so if I'm on either extreme of any of those core issues, I'm in my codependency, whether I'm feeling less than other people or better than other people, whether I have no boundaries or my boundaries are walls.

Angela SmigielGuest

4:59

Whether I'm telling myself I'm a bad person or I have to be good and perfect.

Angela SmigielGuest

5:05

Whether I have no needs, I'm never going to ask for any needs, I'm never going to take care of myself, right? Or if I'm expecting everyone to do everything for me, right? If you can see, looking in the extremes, and then the last core issue is I'm either out of control or I'm super in control, right? Right.

Angela SmigielGuest

5:27

And that can look like everything's labeled, color coordinated, you know, OCD.

Angela SmigielGuest

5:33

Sometimes I'm in control of myself and I'm also in control of everybody and everything around me or I'm either out of control.