389. Why You Always Feel Like an Afterthought

Okay? So, so let's, so let's walk through it.

Uh, okay, so what are...

So I think what...

You know, you know I've told you before that how I, when I'm writing something like this up, I write down the questions you all ask me, and that's usually how I do it or the, you know, kinda the main themes.

And so is feeling like an afterthought really that big a deal is probably the first place I wanna go, right? And, and the short answer, of course, is yes.

But here's the clinical grounding for why, because I want you to stop treating this like you're making a mountain out of a molehill kinda thing, 'cause that's what I hear.

Uh, there's a sociologist, Mor- Morris Rosenberg, and he introduced a concept really decades ago called mattering, which is the, the, it's described as the felt sense that you're significant to another person.

That's what mattering is, that they notice you, that they'd feel your absence, that they care what happens to you.

And And since then, and I'll link to his research, but since then, there's really been a substantial body of research showing that mattering is a distinct psychological need, not, not a preference, not a personality trait.

And when it's chronically low, the consequences are specific, and they're measurable.

So chronic low mattering, that's w- how he would say that, you know, chronically feeling like you don't matter to someone, someone specific or the people that are really important.

Chronic low mattering i- independently, on its own, predicts depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation, and relationship, uh, withdrawal, like relational withdrawal, withdrawing from a relationship.

Even when [coughs] they control for things like self-esteem, social support, and, and other variables.

So e- I wanna give that to you in plain language.

It means that feeling like you don't matter to the people closest to you is not a small thing your nervous system should be able to override.

It's a legitimate psychological injury, and that's why it's, it's feeling big.

And this is why the answer to, uh, again, is this really a big deal if everything else is fine? That's why the answer is yes.

Mattering, it's not just one ingredient in a good relationship.

It's one of the foundations.

It's foundational in your relationship.

You can have a partner who's, uh, who's kind, reliable, you know, good on paper, and if you chronically feel like the afterthought, your nervous system will register the relationship as unsafe regardless of how the rest of it looks.

Y- you're not asking for too much, and you're not inventing something out of nothing.

You're asking for something the research actually supports as necessary, okay? So, so let's get into it.