Why Do We Replay Conversations in our Head?

Let's take a step back and talk about what rumination is.

Professor Susan Nolan Hooksimer, who was one of the most important researchers in this area, described rumination as repetitively focusing on the causes, meanings and consequences of our distress without necessarily moving towards something that might relieve it.

It is a passive focus rather than a very active focus.

That distinction matters.

So when rumination is examined, and it can be examined in a variety of ways, sometimes people differentiate between reflection and rumination or between reflection and brooding as the constituent components of rumination.

And the difference I feel is that rumination feels heavy.

We feel heavier and more stuck.

We aren't necessarily actively working on a problem.

It might feel like we're being very active, but we aren't taking some steps.

It's not like we're working through a checklist or creating that checklist.

In contrast, reflection feels lighter.

We gain clarity.

We make a decision.

we gain understanding.

There is some research that shows that those two aspects, brooding and reflection, are correlated.

That is, they're associated with each other.

And there is other research that shows them to be separate constructs.

I'm trying not to go down too many rabbit holes, including that brooding in and of itself can be quite significant and have very negative consequences.

I need to make a wee list of other topics that I'm going to talk about in relation to rumination.

But in relation to this relational aspect, our mind can ask, why did they say that? What did they really mean? Why didn't I respond differently? How can I make them understand what does this say about me? And we can produce hundreds of thoughts without arriving anywhere new and unfortunately in the presence of a critic landing on familiar self-critical ground.

A hallmark question, by the way, in my experience is this why question.

In fact, in some of the strategies that I talk about, we might put a ban on why questions if they typically lead us into feeling really low and stuck and instead focus on how questions or practical questions work.

Professor Nolan Hoeksema's research found that rumination can deepen negative thinking, like that adding of yeast to dough that I talked about last time, interfere with problem solving and make it more difficult to take helpful action.

It can also affect our relationships.

And I think that relational dimension, both with people as well as with ourselves, is especially important when we're replaying conversations.