Jun 17, 2026 · 2 hr 39 min · 14 segments
Rabbi Lazer Gurkow is a shliach in London, Ontario where he serves as the rabbi of Congregation Beth Tefilah. In this episode, Rabbi Gurkow shares his memories of growing up in Boston in the home of…
Lazer GurkowGuestBen C. AftsonHostOn one hand, there is trauma, and with that, there are things that are negatives or have negative implications or detrimental implications downstream of that trauma.
But the other word that you used was it lacks empathy, and today people have more empathy.
How do we make sure, in your mind, how does one make sure that empathy is not there because of weakness? You said that those people were stronger, so in a way they lacked empathy.
They didn't have patience or empathy to deal with a child who had questions or didn't live up to their expectations.
But I think it's also obvious that empathy can very often come from a place of weakness, even laziness, or just maybe the words lack of courage, where it's easy to be empathetic to someone in the sense that I'll go with what he says, what my child says, and give up my own values, right? Because it's hard to stand up and, you know, your child wants a can, you know, the obvious example, your child wants candies for breakfast, and if you want to make them happy, and you're empathetic to them, and I know that's not what you mean by empathy, but I'm just teasing it out.
You're kind to them, you give them what they want, but that's not what they need, right? And it's harder to deal with your child being upset at you and saying, I hate you, or whatever it is that they say.
And you realize that that's part of, so how do you, in your mind, how do you, is there a way to have empathy without sacrificing the strength and the fortitude that the earlier people had.
Because while empathy and weakness might look similar on the surface, it doesn't take a lot of digging to find the difference.
The question is, who's getting their way? Who's getting their way? Are the parents ruling? Are the children ruling the roost? Is there chaos in the house? Do the children get anything and everything they want? Or is the direction set by the parents, but not in a dictatorial fashion, but in a way where the children feel heard and they feel that their concerns are felt.
And the way that is done is that where possible, you give the children what they want because it doesn't impact the overall direction.
When you come from a state of strength and dictation and power, then you're afraid to let your child have their way at any point.
But if you're coming at it from a position that is soft but not weak, then you still remain the one who ultimately makes the decision, only your child feels heard and loved.
Now that doesn't mean your child is going to express that love and that admiration when they don't get their way, but...
The question is what happens 10 years down the line, the accumulative experience of the child when they look back.
Do they think I had a good parent who loved me even though I didn't like every decision? If I was forced to wash my cup and put it away every time I used it as opposed to letting it pile up in the sink so somebody else can clean it at the end of the day.
On one hand, there is trauma, and with that, there are things that are negatives or have negative implications or detrimental implications downstream of that trauma.
But the other word that you used was it lacks empathy, and today people have more empathy.
How do we make sure, in your mind, how does one make sure that empathy is not there because of weakness? You said that those people were stronger, so in a way they lacked empathy.
They didn't have patience or empathy to deal with a child who had questions or didn't live up to their expectations.
But I think it's also obvious that empathy can very often come from a place of weakness, even laziness, or just maybe the words lack of courage, where it's easy to be empathetic to someone in the sense that I'll go with what he says, what my child says, and give up my own values, right? Because it's hard to stand up and, you know, your child wants a can, you know, the obvious example, your child wants candies for breakfast, and if you want to make them happy, and you're empathetic to them, and I know that's not what you mean by empathy, but I'm just teasing it out.
You're kind to them, you give them what they want, but that's not what they need, right? And it's harder to deal with your child being upset at you and saying, I hate you, or whatever it is that they say.
And you realize that that's part of, so how do you, in your mind, how do you, is there a way to have empathy without sacrificing the strength and the fortitude that the earlier people had.
Because while empathy and weakness might look similar on the surface, it doesn't take a lot of digging to find the difference.
The question is, who's getting their way? Who's getting their way? Are the parents ruling? Are the children ruling the roost? Is there chaos in the house? Do the children get anything and everything they want? Or is the direction set by the parents, but not in a dictatorial fashion, but in a way where the children feel heard and they feel that their concerns are felt.
And the way that is done is that where possible, you give the children what they want because it doesn't impact the overall direction.
When you come from a state of strength and dictation and power, then you're afraid to let your child have their way at any point.
But if you're coming at it from a position that is soft but not weak, then you still remain the one who ultimately makes the decision, only your child feels heard and loved.
Now that doesn't mean your child is going to express that love and that admiration when they don't get their way, but...
The question is what happens 10 years down the line, the accumulative experience of the child when they look back.
Do they think I had a good parent who loved me even though I didn't like every decision? If I was forced to wash my cup and put it away every time I used it as opposed to letting it pile up in the sink so somebody else can clean it at the end of the day.
The rest of this transcript — segmented and speaker-labeled, so you land on the exact moment something was said
Search every transcript — by keyword, by phrase, or by meaning, across every show Radar indexes
Trends — what is surging across podcasts, measured against its own baseline
Alerts — when a name you follow appears in a newly indexed episode
No account is needed to search Radar.
