26. Man of Sorrows, Acquainted with Suffering

And I feel like lately life has been accelerating, and I'm honestly not even sure to where, but maybe because we're approaching that time where the Earth's axis is about to tilt, maybe I'm accelerating to the harvest.

So autumn means that light will shrink for a little while and I'm taking inventory of my life.

I was actually reflecting on myself and I was actually looking back on videos of myself and writings that I made and thinking about these layers of myself that seem to have shrunk or withered away.

More specifically, I was thinking about this softness and stillness and slowness that I was creating from and almost this like gentleness that you could hear in my voice.

and I go through these phases these oscillations where I feel my energy projecting outwards and driving forwards and this strength that I feel and then I feel this place of deep receptivity and I think it's natural to oscillate between the two and that's not something I'm willing to change but every time I come into this place of driving and driving forward I always end up coming back and pulling back again and wondering where I lost that quietness and that stillness and that creativity.

And part of this chapter of my life is pushing, pushing hard, working hard, building.

But my original intention in creating this was to really maintain that connection with that magic.

And I have to maintain that connection with my own inner magic and my creativity and my light in order to share anything of value.

Because if we're not careful, if we're not really diving deep into these layers of ourselves and who we really are and our core essence and our uniqueness and taking in the physical components of the world.

I'm talking like matter, material things.

Like, I don't know, I've been feeling lately.

It's this strange feeling.

I'm not sure if you felt it too, but like I go maybe into a store, into these little boutiques and it's like around the world.

And it's like these things that seem like they're different, but they're the same.

It's like these, no matter where I'm going, these things that seem unique seem the same to me.

Everything seems the same.

It's like this collection of things, these little categories of aesthetics.

And, you know, I go on my phone and it's like even these things that are unique are almost the same.

And there's this sameness that we're all pushing through.

And it reminds me of this story that I wrote when I was in high school.

And it was a story, it was like a dystopian about this time where we were raceless and classless, but everybody as a result of that turned gray and their skin was all gray and everybody was gray because there's no contrast, there's no diversity or difference.

And I think the beauty of the internet and this interconnectedness that we're able to experience is that, you know, we're able to share information really quickly and we're able to learn things really quickly.

But also it seems like there's this, it's like all these different cultures and people, it's like coming into, it's like these obituaries into a larger river of this oneness.

That's the sameness that I think it's really critical that we don't lose.

And it feels like, I guess I'm, detoxing myself, detoxing my brain, and really, really thinking about what is true, what is true, what is me, who am I, what is my life.