Why Telling Someone to Be Grateful Can Make Things Worse

**The Happiness Scientist Who Stopped Pretending to Be Happy** #### Sha-En Yeo spent her teenage years being bullied in a girls' school, quietly asking herself "is this it?" A teacher left a note on her desk that changed something. Twenty years later, she's Singapore's first happiness scientist, trained under Martin Seligman at UPenn, and the author of an upcoming Penguin book called I Miss Feeling Like Me. #### But here's what she'll tell you that most happiness experts won't: no strategy creates joy. Gratitude journaling can actually make things worse. And the pressure on parents to stay positive is one of the most harmful things we do to each other. #### This conversation covers what toxic positivity actually does to the nervous system, why self-compassion has to come before any strategy will land, and the CALM framework she uses with her own kids when emotions run hot. #### It also goes somewhere more personal: her father's illness, the night she stood on a stage in a red dress at a Chinese New Year dinner on one of the hardest days of her life, and what she learned about authenticity when performing happiness was simply not an option. #### The conclusion Sha-En arrived at after 15 years in the field: joy is not something you chase. It lives in knowing who you actually are. #### Press play. #### **About Sha-En** Sha-En Yeo is Singapore's first happiness scientist, a two-time TEDx speaker, and author of the upcoming Penguin book I Miss Feeling Like Me. She holds a master's in positive psychology from the University of Pennsylvania, where she studied under Martin Seligman, Angela Duckworth, and Adam Grant, and has reached over 25,000 people across APAC. - Social media: https://www.linkedin.com/in/shaenyeomapp/ https://www.instagram.com/shaenyeo/ - Website: https://happinessscientists.com/ - Book: I Miss Feeling Like Me (Penguin, forthcoming) #### **What You'll Take Away** - Why "tomorrow will be a better day" is one of the worst things you can say to a struggling parent - The difference between happiness and joy, and why only one of them actually lasts - The CALM framework: a four-step tool for responding to a child's big emotions without toxic positivity - Why gratitude journaling can backfire, and what has to come first before any strategy will work - What standing on a stage in a red dress on one of the hardest days of her life taught her about authenticity - Why self-compassion, not gratitude, is the bridge when you're too miserable for strategies to land - The five-step path back to yourself when you've lost track of who that actually is #### **Chapters** - 00:00 — Cold open - 01:10 — Bullied, pessimistic, and asking "is this it?" - 03:30 — The teacher who changed everything with a note - 06:00 — Fear of becoming a parent, and why she almost didn't - 09:00 — How she ended up at UPenn with a 10-month-old - 12:00 — Happiness versus joy: why the distinction matters - 14:00 — What toxic positivity actually does to people - 16:30 — The CALM framework for parents who snap - 20:00 — Emotions are data: how to regulate before you react - 23:00 — Pain is inevitable. Suffering is what we add. - 25:00 — Her father's illness and the labels we carry from childhood - 29:00 — Self-compassion as the bridge - 32:00 — The stage, the red dress, and the Chinese New Year dinner - 36:00 — The five-step path back to yourself - 40:00 — The hedonic treadmill and the $2,000 prom dress test - 43:30 — When the system does not fit your child (PSLE, and being honest about it) - 47:00 — Quick fire #### **Connect with Growing Pains** Growing Pains is HoneyKids Asia's podcast for the conversations you want to have after the kids go to bed. - YouTube:https://www.youtube.com/@growingpains.honeykids@growingpains.honeykids - Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/honeykidsasia@honeykidsasia - Website:https://honeykidsasia.comhoneykidsasia.com Hit subscribe so you don't miss an episode. If this one resonated, share it with a parent who needs to hear it. Growing Pains is produced in partnership withhttps://www.poddster.sgPoddster, Singapore's podcast studio. #ShaEnYeo #GrowingPains #HoneyKidsAsia #PositivePsychology #Joy #Happiness #Parenting #ToxicPositivity #SelfCompassion #CALM #ParentingAdvice #MentalHealth #Singapore #Wellbeing