[BONUS EPISODE] Can self-compassion actually beat self-sabotage? with Drs. Tess Kilwein & Erin Ayala

So let's set the stage for what we're talking about today.

When we talk about self-sabotage among women athletes, um, it can take a lot of forms.

So what are some common signs of, uh, self-sabotage, especially in the athletic realm?

I pay a lot of attention to how women are, talk about their performances when kind of reflecting on them or preparing.

Um, I think signs of self-sabotage can be, like, a lot of hedging or buffering language of, like, kind of like, "I'm not ready," or, "My training wasn't as good as it could have or should have been," or, "Well, I just don't wanna finish last," which I've got a soapbox for that statement.

Um, like, there's just a lot of this, like, when they, they're kind of these not so hidden signs that they have higher expectations for themselves, and they don't feel like they're going to meet those expectations.

Um, their language and self-talk really reflects that.

Uh, high levels of self-criticism, super common.

Um, and then a lot of kind of like, yeah, just this expectation that sh- they should be able to do more or prepare more or perform better.

Those are usually the red flags for me.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, all of that, and, like, from a very young age, women and girls just get so many conflicting messages about, like, how you're supposed to be, what you're supposed to look like.

And, um, in a lot of ways, being a female athlete challenges stereotypes about women, right? So women get to be fierce and strong and leaders and, like, aggressive and, and nasty and sweaty and all these things that, like, young girls are told not to be.

So, um, I, I, I love talking about gender and sport because I s- think we see this transition, especially for women of girls, of, like, when they're very, very young, they're out at, at recess and on the fields with the boys and, like, getting dirty and doing the thing.

And then, you know, you get to middle school, you get to high school, and you just see this shift that I, I always describe it like-

like-Women will shrink themselves-

Mm

... to start to fit these expectations of, like, so maybe you can be an athlete over here, but then in all other spaces you have to be different, right? And it's really confusing, and it puts a lot of burden on women, uh, a lot of the perfectionism, right? So, like, I'm either perfect or I'm a failure, like Erin alluded to.

We also, you know, once you hit that middle school and, and all the way through college and pro, we see the w- women under fueling because they're trying to navigate-

Yeah

... being this thin body ideal of being a woman with, like, you're supposed to be strong and these things as an athlete, so we see that throughout the lifespan.

We see women, um, reduce their strength training because they don't w- want to look buff or tough or what it might be.

And then there's this one that I always think about 'cause, 'cause I was a, a tomboy, right? Like, I was very, um, messy and, like, where I grew up, you got to wear basketball shorts to school.

Like, we didn't wear makeup or that.

But I remember seeing some of my friends, like, play timid or hold back.

So let's set the stage for what we're talking about today.

When we talk about self-sabotage among women athletes, um, it can take a lot of forms.

So what are some common signs of, uh, self-sabotage, especially in the athletic realm?

I pay a lot of attention to how women are, talk about their performances when kind of reflecting on them or preparing.

Um, I think signs of self-sabotage can be, like, a lot of hedging or buffering language of, like, kind of like, "I'm not ready," or, "My training wasn't as good as it could have or should have been," or, "Well, I just don't wanna finish last," which I've got a soapbox for that statement.

Um, like, there's just a lot of this, like, when they, they're kind of these not so hidden signs that they have higher expectations for themselves, and they don't feel like they're going to meet those expectations.

Um, their language and self-talk really reflects that.

Uh, high levels of self-criticism, super common.

Um, and then a lot of kind of like, yeah, just this expectation that sh- they should be able to do more or prepare more or perform better.

Those are usually the red flags for me.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, all of that, and, like, from a very young age, women and girls just get so many conflicting messages about, like, how you're supposed to be, what you're supposed to look like.

And, um, in a lot of ways, being a female athlete challenges stereotypes about women, right? So women get to be fierce and strong and leaders and, like, aggressive and, and nasty and sweaty and all these things that, like, young girls are told not to be.

So, um, I, I, I love talking about gender and sport because I s- think we see this transition, especially for women of girls, of, like, when they're very, very young, they're out at, at recess and on the fields with the boys and, like, getting dirty and doing the thing.

And then, you know, you get to middle school, you get to high school, and you just see this shift that I, I always describe it like-

like-Women will shrink themselves-

Mm

... to start to fit these expectations of, like, so maybe you can be an athlete over here, but then in all other spaces you have to be different, right? And it's really confusing, and it puts a lot of burden on women, uh, a lot of the perfectionism, right? So, like, I'm either perfect or I'm a failure, like Erin alluded to.

We also, you know, once you hit that middle school and, and all the way through college and pro, we see the w- women under fueling because they're trying to navigate-

Yeah

... being this thin body ideal of being a woman with, like, you're supposed to be strong and these things as an athlete, so we see that throughout the lifespan.

We see women, um, reduce their strength training because they don't w- want to look buff or tough or what it might be.

And then there's this one that I always think about 'cause, 'cause I was a, a tomboy, right? Like, I was very, um, messy and, like, where I grew up, you got to wear basketball shorts to school.

Like, we didn't wear makeup or that.

But I remember seeing some of my friends, like, play timid or hold back.