The reason I came into your office is because-

Presently, Miss Brooks, presently.

I can hardly wait to try this stuff out at Crystal Lake over the weekend.

I'm leaving right after school.

$200 worth of sporting goods, and I could never have afforded it without consummating one of my shrewdest transactions this week.

Would you like to hear about it, Miss Brooks?

But can't you take it back to the store?

No, no, I bought it at a final sale.

When I handed that bill to my sister, I told her to pay it at once

onceTo whom it may concern, copy this phone bill and send it along with 10 cents to five of your friends, and if no one breaks the chain [laughing] who knows? Someday you may be the lucky recipient of a very low number at Alcatraz.

Colgate dental cream cleans your breath while it cleans your teeth

teethAnd the Colgate way stops tooth decay best.

More than two years research showed the Colgate way of brushing teeth right after eating helped stop more decay for more people than ever before reported in dentistry's history.

Yes, the Colgate way stopped tooth decay best, better than any other home method of oral hygiene.

No other toothpaste or powder, ammoniated or not, has proof of such results.

And you should know that Colgate, while not mentioned by name, was the only toothpaste used in the research on tooth decay recently reported in Reader's Digest.

And now, while our Miss Brooks is quietly sloshing down the corridor in her muddy pumps, let's look in on Mr. Conklin, Madison's beloved principal, and adjust our wavelength to his stream of consciousness.

So we come to the start of another school day, a nice muggy one at that, as if I needed bad weather to make me irritable.

The teachers in this school have simply got...

Now who's that tracking her dirty shoes through our hallowed halls?

Yes, sir.

Now, I'm going down to that stockroom and wait in back of it for Ms. Brooks to return.

I'll teach her to leave doors open.

[dramatic music]

[laughs]

I realize that you haven't had a raise in some time, but after all, it's a universal complaint these days and one which can't be remedied overnight.

Meanwhile, you get by very nicely on the money you earn, don't you?

Yes, Mr. Boynton?

I've heard from many people how generous and warm-hearted you are under your veneer of seeming sophistication.

Of course, I've always known that you're true blue, 100% human being deep down below the surface.

But what did you want me to do for you?

I'd like you to take this package home with you and keep it until Sunday morning.

It's a little Mother's Day remembrance for Mrs. Conklin, and I don't want her to stumble upon it before time.

Wonderful woman, Mrs. Conklin, and she's trained our daughter Harriet to be a duplicate of herself.

Of course, he's not a brilliant student.

Brilliant? Walter Denton is Madison's gift to sub-normality.

The thing that annoys me most is the way he bounces.

He never goes anywhere.

Palmolive's famous beauty lather now brings you new fragrance, new charm, new allure.

Millions of women will prefer beauty lather Palmolive over all other leading toilet soaps the minute they try it, for Palmolive Soap's famous beauty lather now has a new clean, flower-fresh fragrance for new allure, new charm.

Well, the drawing for the grand prize occurred in assembly that afternoon.

[crowd murmuring] Uh, attention, everyone.

Quiet.

Quiet, please.

Quiet.

I'm happy to say that every member of the student body and faculty has contributed something to our community chest drive.

What I mean to say, sir, is that we can finish talking after you've spoken to me.

Very well.

I simply dropped in to wish you good luck with the team, Mr. Boynton.

Remember, by winning the championship cup, you not only honor yourself and the athletes involved, but you bring further glory to the already hallowed name of Madison High.

Glory and prestige, fame and honor.

How

too.

Oh, uh, driver, I'm Mr. Conklin, the principal of Madison High.

[laughs]

Miss Brooks, yesterday you dipped my cigar in the inkwell.

This morning you gave me one that exploded in my face.

And now, thanks to you again, a container of hot coffee is running down my leg.

Tonight, yes, tonight, try Lustre Cream shampoo.

Dream girl, dream girl, beautiful Lustre Cream girl.

You owe your crowning glory to a Lustre Cream shampoo.

I mean, who, who's going to address the PTA meeting if you don't show up?

Uh, Mr.

Stone, the head of the Board of Education, has kindly consented to go in my place.

He'll be over this afternoon to pick up my speech.

Now, I've got to leave for a while, so I'll appoint Harriet to monitor your first class, and I'd like you to stay here and take charge of my office until the new secretary arrives.

One of those sneezes came from inside that closet.

Oh, but that's absurd, Mr.

Stone.

[laughs]

He'll go to any lengths to defeat and embarrass me.

Now, Brill phoned me last night and said he'd be dropping in to see me this morning.

He said he'd have a juicy bit of news for me.

Well, if he thinks he's got juicy news for me, I've got still juicier news for him.

Do you know what it is, Ms. Brooks?

[laughs]

I just learned that Biff Mooney, one of the greatest college football players, is interested in a high school coaching job in this part of the country.

Seems to be stuck.

Miss Brooks, did it ever occur to you that there might be a reason why my car door won't close? A reason? What reason? It's simply that my arm is still in it.

Well, thanks just the same, Mr. Conklin, but I prefer the old-fashioned manicure where the fingers stay attached to the hand.

Well, these are rubber blades, soft as tissue paper.

Watch.

I'll put my finger in.

In, out.

In, out.

But as it is, think of the joy you're sharing with the people at the mission, Osgood.

Joy, my foot.

The food at Miss Brooks' place had better be good today.

Good.

It had better be great!

It's psychosomatic to some extent.

Really? Now, perhaps you'd like me to stretch out on the couch and tell me how, at the age of three, I was convinced that my younger brother was a cocker

There, now that's

better.

Now, are you sure you'll be comfortable in this chair? I'd be happy to get you a cushion if you want me to.

It has always been my warmest desire to take the burdens off my teachers, make them as light as possible.

If you have any suggestions which might help me achieve this desire, you have but to mention them, and I am your willing slave.

Your wish is my command.

Aren't you in enough trouble already? That is, I...

I know what you mean, Miss Brooks, and you're right.

it's coming now.

It is piping hot.

Observe the steam rising from my trousers.

Miss Brooks, yesterday you dipped my cigar in the inkwell.

This morning you gave me one that exploded in my face.

And now, thanks to you again, a container of hot coffee is running down my leg.

Well, don't stand there, Miss Brooks.

We like to choose some prominent citizens in our community to play Santa for this occasion, hence my visit here.

I say, it just exploded.

It certainly is corroded.

I don't understand what happened.

That cannon hasn't been touched since the Spanish-American War.

It's absolutely useless.

What do you mean, useless? We won, didn't we? You're right, you're right.

It is unusual for Mr.

Not one bit.

what's it doing in here, Daddy?

It's waiting to go on a little fishing trip with me.

This may be my last opportunity this year, Harriet, and I've heard of a wonderful lake about a hundred miles from here.

Real rugged territory.

There are practically no cabins on it and no place open to tourists.

This is a brand new type term.

Miss Brooks, I'll come directly to the point.

The reason I have this fishing rod in my hand is because I intend to go fishing this weekend.

That is, I, I-

I, I, I, I'm, I know what you mean, Miss Brooks, and you're right.

I have acted the martinet at times, but it's only because of those confounded mottos in my office.

On every wall I'm confronted with signs, "Spare the rod and spoil the child," "Respect through power," "Law of the jungle." They, they goad one, Miss Brooks, whip one into a frenzy of ambition until the real me is submerged, snowed under, suffocated.

Oh, we already have, Mr. Conklin.

Oh, good, good.

Then perhaps you'd be kind enough to autograph this other manuscript sent from the Board of Education in this envelope postmarked 1944 and intended for my unfortunate predecessor, who doubtless had to contend with just such perfidious malcontents as you, who stand quaking before me this very moment.

It's Sunnydale Finishing School?

Of course.

Now, there's no sense in beating about the bush.

Mrs. Davis read the letter you left on your dresser this morning, and we know you've been offered a job there.

[laughs]

But then what were we talking about? You, uh, Mr.

Boynton, what was...

How was...

But he'll be back, won't he? He hasn't decided on anyone else.

Fortunately for you, Miss Brooks, Mr.

Stone happens to be an extremely fair-minded individual.

He's leaving for the state capitol at 7 o'clock this evening, but has promised to call you on the phone between 6 and 6.30.

On the phone?

Yes.

Confidentially, Miss Brooks, in spite of the steady stream of irritants with which you pepper my otherwise prosaic life, my integrity forced me to recommend you rather highly for this position.

Oh, even before you were principals of rival schools?

Before we were teachers.

Even in state normal, I found him abnormal.

He'll go to any length to defeat and embarrass me.

Now, Brill phoned me last night and said he'd be dropping in to see me this morning.

He said he'd have a juicy bit of news for me.

Well, if he thinks he's got juicy news for me, I've got still juicier news for him.

You're opening an orange aid stand.

Look, you've been photographed by the press many times How come you've never applied the rule to yourself?

Your impertinent question shall be stricken from the record Suffice it to say that as yet no member of my faculty has sought my permission If I should learn, therefore, that any teacher has already been photographed by the snap-happy gent from Cosmopolitan that teacher is in for a mess of trouble Come in

Oh, well, don't you let it get you down, Daddy.

How can I help it? Can't you visualize my embarrassment if that magazine should run pictures of Madison's teachers and not one shot of its principal? Well, I figured a way out.

I ran home and took some negatives from my own camera.

Several attractive shots of myself posed the way you like to see me.

Silence!

Lips are sealed.

Why, when I saw that dog running loose outside the biology lab yesterday, I was shocked beyond words.

You know that animals aren't allowed on school property, Osgood.

How did it get in here? Answer me! Well, I haven't the slightest idea, sir.

Well, let's make certain that no dogs invade this school today.

First, you will make an early inspection tour of all classrooms.

Now I've got

I mean, take a couple of them, Mr. Conklin.

The reason I dropped in, Boynton, was to caution you about locking all your cages before leaving school.

I wouldn't want any of our students to be bitten by one of your experimental animals.

Miss Brooks.

In the closet? But he's a sick man.

How can you put him in...

No, listen, Daddy.

Step aside.

But as it is, think of the joy you're sharing with the people at the mission, Osgood.

Joy, my foot.

The food at Miss Brooks' place had better be good today.

Good.

It had better be great!

It's psychosomatic to some extent.

Really? Now, perhaps you'd like me to stretch out on the couch and tell me how, at the age of three, I was convinced that my younger brother was a cocker

[laughs]

... band members and cheerleaders under supervision of female chaperone will leave on bus number one.

Second half of contingent will be personally conducted by me and will leave at 8:00 on bus number two.

Signed, R. Goodconklin."

[laughs]

Yes, yes, the thought occurred to me this morning while I was mulling over a memo that the chaperone for girls should be a married woman.

That eliminated Ms. Enright, of course.

And unless there's been a sudden and radical upheaval in your existence, you're not married either, Ms. Brooks.