Nobody Knew He Was Struggling | Lisa Marshall on Suicide, Grief & Living Again

and and and and you know Do you kind of like, is there moments as well, you mentioned Japan there, like if something comes on the TV, for example, about Japan, does that bring back some grief? Is that a moment that, you know, is that always with you? Do you carry that or does that grief eventually start to subside slowly?

Yeah, you're right.

My cousin, she is a year younger than Alan and for her 40th, she actually went to Japan because she lives in Australia now.

So that's like a kind of, well, I thought it was a close holiday destination, but it's actually... nine hour flight from Perth still but that's where she went so when she went and I saw all you kind of see you're like oh god that could have been us as well like so you're right it's like the little things as well and I think especially this year would have been our 10 year wedding anniversary so I remember when we were getting married there was a lot of us getting married but at the same time and then they're all having like celebrations for that and you're like oh that could have been us kind of thing as well so it's just like constantly like that and i think it gets harder as like time goes on as well because the kids are obviously becoming like amazing little people and like achieving things and like he's not there that's probably the hardest thing out of everything but yeah it's just like it's wipes your kind of future as you kind of thought it would plan out as well

can't imagine but you know like where are we thursday I kind of know what we're doing at the weekend.

And that's, like you say, that's the normality.

The things that you kind of do most week, Kevin, whether it might be like football, shopping, whatever it might be, that's the normality.

And yeah, I suppose that complete flip of adjustment, thinking like, well, now...

I have to manage this.

I mean, I've seen some stuff that you put on Instagram when, you know, you're juggling a weekend and it might be the football or whatever it might be.

You know, yeah, it's like, it's just a question I wondered about, you know, is that a trigger? Like for me, you know, the first question, the reason I asked that music question is because maybe it's my dyslexia, I don't know, but I'm a mad music man.

I love music, any type of music.

And I think if somebody, if anything was ever to happen, God forbid, to my wife, like we kind of listen to music together.

And I wonder how that would affect my ability to still love music, if that makes sense.

That's why I asked that question about do you grieve things like when Japan's bought, for example.

yeah and you're right so me and Alan actually had different music tastes he loved 80s music and I think maybe it comes from being born in the 80s whereas I was born in the 90s he loved music so whenever I hear anything 80s I just stops my tracks I'm like oh my god because it's not something I would normally listen to and then um when I took his ashes from our house to we got them buried in the graveyard kind of locally and i had the ashes in the front seat of the car and i had like my music on and i was like right i'll put an 80s song on kind of so yeah it can it's had a different

effect for you that's nice though you know

you're right music i think sounds and probably smell are like the biggest triggers that you could think of and you wouldn't think they're really

absolutely the shade for example something like that yes absolutely if

you smell somebody wearing like an aftershave because what's really sad is it's like the smell eventually fades on his clothes and things like that so the smell eventually goes which you don't think it would like somebody smelled but sometimes you can smell and it's like the same aftershave that he would have worn or like the lynx door drain like it's funny because um you know obviously he died like three years ago but my son who's nine started wearing lynx and using the same shower gels and i'm like oh my god it's got that smell again lynx africa

Linked Africa, exactly.

Wow.

Yeah, you see, again, I wouldn't even think about that.

But yeah, like aftershaves, perfume, smell, you know, it's a trigger, isn't it? Yeah, absolutely.