But I love the fact that you've learned to just kind of like stop doing it um that's i guess that's great advice for anybody that you know has to god forbid go through this you

know something to help me as well as i spoke to people who almost took their own lives they came to a suicide bereavement group that i go to and then they told their story and obviously just sharing on social media myself i've had hundreds of messages from people that have been close to ending their lives and have had serious attempts on their life and they've all said the same thing they've all said they're like we're not thinking of our family at that point we are just thinking about ending our pain and we genuinely think that their families are better off without us and it had nothing to do with how I felt about my wife my kids my husband it's like that as well so I think when you see it from the other point of view because I think part of the problem with suicide is is that unless somebody is suicidal you will never understand their empathies and you wouldn't want to obviously how somebody felt because it's so easy to look in the outside and just be like oh that's so selfish that's terrible but that's fine because you've never felt that way and if you did then maybe you'd have some understanding and some level of empathy think as well that um the the bitterness and the just the anger like I feel in life when you meet people that are had something terrible happen to them and quite often it can be a divorce but see that if they're bitter about it if we can sense it it just seems out of them in every single part of their life that kind of attitude and they kind of they feel hard done by and and obviously it's not to downplay like what I've been through but like I think it's important to, like, not become a victim in your own mind and instead try and look at what you've got to be positive for because the thing is, as well, like, somebody told me this analogy and it was, if somebody, if you had your problem and you've lost your husband but if you put that into a pot with everybody else in the world's problems and you got your husband back but you picked somebody else out, like, it could be 10 times worse like your so your life is awful as like as what's happened but that could be somebody's dream life and I always think of people that are like you know my age that are dying of cancer leaving their kids things like that as well or somebody has lost a child or their child's series I always think of people in those situations and I really feel for them definitely because it's like yes this is a really difficult hard that I've been dealt with but a lot of people have got a lot of difficult hands and sometimes I think their situations are a lot worse definitely

But how did you, or didn't you, how did you tell your children? Like, what did you do?

I feel like I do have regrets over that because it's something that you can't plan for, especially if it's a sudden death.

There's no in your head, being calm, thinking about what you're going to tell them.

So I think that night, kids, they're not stupid.

They understand and can feel so much more than you actually think.

Motion.

Yeah.

But I remember, like, talking to all the family and things like that, and people hadn't seen me since I had Sofia.

So, you know, we were actually saying like, "Oh, we might even have a fourth.

You just don't know.

Like, I think it would be quite nice." You just...

I don't think you ever feel done having kids.

That's the thing as well.

'Cause that's traumatic

And what happened those few years ago.

Yeah, of course.

So it was over three years ago now.

I was just a normal person living a normal life.

I had husband, three kids.

I was on maternity leave, about to go back to work, and I lost my husband to suicide.

So it still feels crazy saying that out loud, like this has actually happened.

Tell me more about that.