608 - Parenting Newborns with Jen Lumanlan

yes yeah and things like um you know modeling emotional regulation can be really important for children and that's a good point i've heard people tell me too things like yeah my six month old has me totally wrapped around her finger i can't do anything and yeah i hear it a lot or it's just that you know that's their personality i'm like well is it and how much of it is.

And so, yeah, tell me just a little more about taming your triggers.

Cause I know I took that a while back, but I think the audience would like to hear about that.

Yeah, it's basically for parents who are realizing that the reaction they're having to their child's behavior is out of proportion to the behavior that's actually in front of them.

So maybe the child is refusing to put on their shoes, right, as you get up into the two-year-old.

Or it could even be crying, right? If you're still in that first year, it could be as simple as my baby's crying and I can't tolerate it.

And I've definitely worked with parents who have an older kid, like a kid in preschool, who is hitting, and it seems like that's the thing to fix.

And actually, when we dig into it a little bit, we find that they have a newborn, and mom can't let the newborn cry for a second.

And that's depleting

all of

mom's

energy, and

there's nothing left for the preschooler.

And so the preschooler is hitting to try to get some attention, to get some connection.

And so when you're seeing these huge reactions in yourself, whether it is yelling, shouting, whether it is kind of shut down or the fawning, right, I'm going to do anything I can to get this to stop.

Whatever that reaction is, what we try to do is to help you see where that has come from.

What has happened in your childhood that taught you that that reaction is going to protect you? And begin to heal those hurts.

And then at the same time, learning a new way of being in relationship with our kids that really kind of sees the need.

For the example of the hitting, the need there was for connection with the parent.

And when the parent can do something as simple as 10 minutes of special time on a predictable, consistent daily basis, then the kid's hitting just kind of evaporates And it seemed to the parent that the hitting is the thing to fix when actually it was the turning inward and saying, okay, what am I struggling with? And let me bring my emotional register down a little bit.

Maybe I can tolerate baby crying when I know they're safe, they're fed, they've had a clean diaper.

They can cry for a minute while I attend to other child.

And then everybody's actually able to relax and the hitting stops.

just kind of stops because it was that expression of the underlying need.

So Taming Your Triggers helps you to create that through line, that story to help you understand your experience and then be in relationship differently with your kids.

yes yeah and things like um you know modeling emotional regulation can be really important for children and that's a good point i've heard people tell me too things like yeah my six month old has me totally wrapped around her finger i can't do anything and yeah i hear it a lot or it's just that you know that's their personality i'm like well is it and how much of it is.

And so, yeah, tell me just a little more about taming your triggers.

Cause I know I took that a while back, but I think the audience would like to hear about that.

Yeah, it's basically for parents who are realizing that the reaction they're having to their child's behavior is out of proportion to the behavior that's actually in front of them.

So maybe the child is refusing to put on their shoes, right, as you get up into the two-year-old.

Or it could even be crying, right? If you're still in that first year, it could be as simple as my baby's crying and I can't tolerate it.

And I've definitely worked with parents who have an older kid, like a kid in preschool, who is hitting, and it seems like that's the thing to fix.

And actually, when we dig into it a little bit, we find that they have a newborn, and mom can't let the newborn cry for a second.

And that's depleting

all of

mom's

energy, and

there's nothing left for the preschooler.

And so the preschooler is hitting to try to get some attention, to get some connection.

And so when you're seeing these huge reactions in yourself, whether it is yelling, shouting, whether it is kind of shut down or the fawning, right, I'm going to do anything I can to get this to stop.

Whatever that reaction is, what we try to do is to help you see where that has come from.

What has happened in your childhood that taught you that that reaction is going to protect you? And begin to heal those hurts.

And then at the same time, learning a new way of being in relationship with our kids that really kind of sees the need.

For the example of the hitting, the need there was for connection with the parent.

And when the parent can do something as simple as 10 minutes of special time on a predictable, consistent daily basis, then the kid's hitting just kind of evaporates And it seemed to the parent that the hitting is the thing to fix when actually it was the turning inward and saying, okay, what am I struggling with? And let me bring my emotional register down a little bit.

Maybe I can tolerate baby crying when I know they're safe, they're fed, they've had a clean diaper.

They can cry for a minute while I attend to other child.

And then everybody's actually able to relax and the hitting stops.

just kind of stops because it was that expression of the underlying need.

So Taming Your Triggers helps you to create that through line, that story to help you understand your experience and then be in relationship differently with your kids.