SideCar: Operation Project Get Unstuck

It has been about five months since I finished my cancer treatments, and somewhere in the dark recesses of my soul, I can feel myself trying to figure out a way forward.

The last six years have been hard for a lot of us for a lot of reasons.

There's the common denominators of COVID and the isolation that came with that and the state of the world and our place in it and our responsibility to it.

And the enormity of the seemingly endless losses, important people in our lives, jobs, relationships, pets, purpose.

But between COVID and cancer and losing those beloved family members and pets and best friends and ugly politics that put me at odds with people I once trusted with my heart, I've been stuck.

Not going forward, not going back, just digging myself into a hole because I had a plan for this time in my life.

And that plan was that I would be transitioning out of my environmental nonprofit work by now.

I'd be handing it over to people with far more energy and a lot less cynicism.

I'd be working towards my second career managing the animal hospital I helped open with my best friend and mentor.

I'd continue my public speaking, but now I'd be attending vet conferences to talk about the importance of community care.

The little extra fund would be helping so many pets and people.

I'd have a horse that I'd brush and I'd kiss his velvety nose every day while he and his pasture mates of ponies and donkeys snuffled for peppermints or carrots in my coat pockets.

And my mom would be living nearby, maybe halfway between me and Alex, and I'd see her as often as she'd put up with me.

But that entire plan disintegrated.

And now I sit in this hole that I have dug for myself, its dingy walls lined with the newspaper accounts of the most egregious horrors unfolding across the country and the globe, alongside photographs and remembrances of all that has been lost or longed for.

And it seems like it has been an eternity since I did something that I felt good about.

To be honest, the last time I felt really good about something and that wasn't about helping our friend Jose was when I was at the animal hospital.

And maybe I would have burned out fast there, but even when it was sad and messy and devastating, it was still work that fed my soul because I was learning new important skills and I was doing good in the world with my bestie.

So, how do I get back to feeling like that? I've always been a person who loves learning, who loves creating, but it seems not creating just to do, but creating or baking or canning or whatever to be appreciated.

More on that in a sec.

But there's no room in that hole to do that.

One of my favorite Mary Oliver poems is Don't Hesitate.

And it's about not waiting, not holding back when something good comes your way, even though you're not quite sure how it's all going to play out.

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy, don't hesitate.

Give into it.