Episode 439 - Why the Changes You Make Never Last

Miles and Corinne have been having the same conversation about sex for nine years.

It goes like this.

He says she never initiates.

He says when they do have sex, he feels like a chore on her to-do list.

One more thing to get through before she has to go to sleep.

She says she is exhausted and she doesn't know what he wants from her.

He says he does not know either.

He just knows this is not it.

Somebody cries, somebody apologizes.

And then because they're good people who want this to work, they make a plan twice a week, Tuesday and Saturday on the calendar.

And it works.

for about two weeks.

Then week three gets busy.

A kid throws up, his parents visit, she gets a sinus infection, and they miss.

Week four, they miss again.

And neither one of them says anything because saying something means having the conversation again.

So by week six, they're exactly where they started, except now they're carrying the extra weight of having failed at their own plan.

By their count, they have done this five separate times, five different plans, five identical collapses.

Now, Miles and Corinne are not unusual.

Most of the couples who come to me have already done a lot of work.

They've been to therapy, sometimes with two or three different therapists.

They've read books.

They listen to podcasts, this one included.

They have taken courses, done the worksheets, and walked out with a plan that they both felt good about.

And it works for a while.