How Dating Apps Are Ruining Modern Relationships | Ivan James

Ivan James is a relationship and embodiment coach. In today's episode, we sit down with Ivan James, a 16 year Air Force veteran and father who spent most of his life as the best performer in every room he walked into, until his marriage started falling apart and he couldn't win the room in his own house. We talk about performative love versus embodied love, why relationships are the clearest mirror we'll ever look into, and why real intimacy scares so many of us. By 16, Ivan had lived in ten states and three countries. At 33, he disappeared for a year: no social media, no friends, no TV, no drinking. He gets into trying to win over his own couples therapist, finding God in the Appalachian Mountains, and why choosing yourself might be the most loving thing you can do for your partner. **Key Moments and Highlights:**- Why dating apps and endless options make commitment feel optional \- Relationships as the clearest mirror you'll ever look into \- Why bad sex is almost always a symptom of missing intimacy- Performative love versus embodied love, & performative burnout \- Becoming a master chameleon \- Trying to win over his own couples therapist as his marriage fell apart \- Disappearing for a year to find out who he was \- Why every gift has a light side and a shadow side \- The "one coin" mantra \- "Workism," and whether we're asking our partners to be everything Ivan spent decades being the guy everyone thought had it figured out, and hearing him describe what it took to strip all of that away, and what it takes to not pick the masks back up, is something I think every single one of us needs to hear. Thanks for listening. Be Where Your Feet Are. **Follow Ivan James** Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ivanheals/ Website: https://ivanheals.com/ **Follow Drew Korf**Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drewkorf/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@drew.korf **Follow The Garden**Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thegarden.podcast/ TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@thegarden.podcast **From the Episode:**Derek Thompson, "Workism Is Making Americans Miserable," The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/religion-workism-making-americans-miserable/583441/Eli Finkel, "The All-or-Nothing Marriage," TEDxDunapart: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EtOwmeZFASE **Episode Chapters:**0:00 Why commitment feels so hard right now 1:26 Dating apps & endless options 5:08 Is avoiding commitment a way to stay safe? 6:29 Relationships as the most powerful mirror we have 8:03 Double down, eject, or settle 9:31 Why bad sex is a symptom, not the cause 12:56 Anxiety as a teacher 13:55 The signs you're in a bad relationship 17:01 Defining intimacy 19:10 Performative vs. embodied love 22:25 How to catch yourself performing 25:52 Acting "as if" 28:35 Filling a void of self love with social currency 30:39 The 2017 moment that stopped everything 32:52 Asking who he was at 33 34:10 Going cold turkey on social media, friends, alcohol, and TV 36:08 Why isolation needs a foundation 39:30 Finding God and getting baptized in the Appalachian Mountains 40:51 Every gift has a light side and a shadow side 43:04 Giving your past self grace 45:37 Trauma and the story we tell ourselves about it 50:16 When self development turns into "I'm not enough" 53:44 Awareness versus action 55:24 Is the coaching space part of the problem? 59:56 Reintegrating into the world after solitude 1:01:19 Eight months in Miami Beach 1:03:31 The "one coin" mantra 1:08:51 Calling in a partner who holds a clear mirror 1:11:50 The Mastery of Love and the social mask 1:14:32 Conflict as the thing that creates intimacy 1:16:04 Supporting your partner's journey without pressure 1:22:37 Why choosing yourself is the most loving thing you can do 1:23:36 Workism and the all or nothing relationship 1:27:30 What breakups reveal about what you're missing 1:29:34 The first questions to ask on the path to embodiment 1:34:38 How to support Ivan