Terri Cole: Boundary Boss

Well, you were able to pivot and do something different, which is a sign of resilience, especially today.

And I just wanted to ask you about codependency, because the way that I learned about codependency was from John Bradshaw, if anyone's old enough to remember John Bradshaw.

And you're really bringing it into, I think, this generation, the conversation around codependency and reminding, remembering what that really means and how it's showing up today for young people and people of older ages in their relationship.

So, you know, how do you integrate this conversation in the new world of like, tech online relationships, tech dating, and how people are struggling to maintain their boundaries in this new world that John Bradshaw actually had no idea was coming.

Like that was a long time ago.

It sure

was.

It was the 80s, him and all those PBS specials.

Well, let's get on the same page as to what I say the definition is of is being overly invested in the feeling states, the outcomes, the circumstances, finances, careers, relationships of the people in your life to the detriment of your inner peace.

So the clarification is it's not just us being concerned about the people we love, but obviously of course we are.

We want all of our people to be happy and get what they want and all those things.

When you're codependent, you feel responsibility.

We take it like one step further where I feel responsible for how you feel.

I feel responsible for your failures or your successes, which is different.

And I saw this over and over in my therapy practice with these highly capable women that the problem with codependency is that they did not see themselves in the problem.

They were like, codependent.

Everyone's dependent on me.

I'm making all the money.

I'm making all the moves.

I'm doing all the emotional labor.

When something changes, I change it.

So what are you even talking about? And I realized that they were being unduly influenced by by the Melody Beatty codependent no more, I have to be involved with an alcoholic.

Because so many of them would say, I'm not involved with an addict.

I'm like, okay, you're confused about what this is.

So you're absolutely right, Tam, that this is Codependency for modern women, because here's the thing.