Jul 9, 2026 · 37 min · 10 segments
What if leadership in a relationship has nothing to do with control and everything to do with responsibility? In this episode, Alex challenges one of the most controversial conversations in modern…
Alex CharfenHostIn fact, um, unfortunately, there is a lot, I mean a lot of men's leaders who are teaching that kind of stuff.
They're teaching dominance.
They're teaching control.
They're teaching manipulation.
I feel like they're dominance, control and manipulation.
Leadership is leading yourself first so that you're present, you're grounded, you're aware.
Leadership is creating an environment where you are followed, not demanding that you should be followed.
So I'm not take-- talking about leading over your partner or having control or dominance over your partner.
I'm talking about for men, for us, one of the most important things that I've learned in my relationship, and really it's not just in my relationship, it's actually one of the most important things I've learned in my life, is that leadership is leading yourself where it matters most.
And I say that as someone who has led multiple multi-million dollar businesses, as someone who's independently wealthy, as someone who's had a lot of success in my life.
One of the most important things I've learned is leading myself is one of the most important de- disciplines that there is.
And so here's what I mean by that and to give you an idea of, of what that looks like for me.
So if you've made a mistake, if you've, uh, said something wrong, if you've stepped out of line, if you've exploded or caused a rupture or imploded and pulled your energy away, before you're asked, go take responsibility for it.
It's regulating before reacting.
I used to have a huge problem with this one.
Um, in fact, there were so many situations, especially as a business leader, where I became unregulated so that I could get something done.
When I had to fire somebody, it was always emotional for me, it was hard for me, it was challenging for me, so I'd get angry at the person.
I look back at that and I'm like, "Holy cow, what a crazy way to behave." Regulating before reacting or regulating in every situation is, is a way to approach a situation where you're present, you're grounded, you're aware, you're not causing rupture, you're not causing challenges for those around you.
It's creating safety instead of intensity.
You know, there's this myth in leadership that if the people who work for you are intimidated, if they're scared, if they, um, feel somewhat uneasy or uncertain, they're gonna work so much harder for you, and I just...
I don't believe that.
In fact, um, unfortunately, there is a lot, I mean a lot of men's leaders who are teaching that kind of stuff.
They're teaching dominance.
They're teaching control.
They're teaching manipulation.
I feel like they're dominance, control and manipulation.
Leadership is leading yourself first so that you're present, you're grounded, you're aware.
Leadership is creating an environment where you are followed, not demanding that you should be followed.
So I'm not take-- talking about leading over your partner or having control or dominance over your partner.
I'm talking about for men, for us, one of the most important things that I've learned in my relationship, and really it's not just in my relationship, it's actually one of the most important things I've learned in my life, is that leadership is leading yourself where it matters most.
And I say that as someone who has led multiple multi-million dollar businesses, as someone who's independently wealthy, as someone who's had a lot of success in my life.
One of the most important things I've learned is leading myself is one of the most important de- disciplines that there is.
And so here's what I mean by that and to give you an idea of, of what that looks like for me.
So if you've made a mistake, if you've, uh, said something wrong, if you've stepped out of line, if you've exploded or caused a rupture or imploded and pulled your energy away, before you're asked, go take responsibility for it.
It's regulating before reacting.
I used to have a huge problem with this one.
Um, in fact, there were so many situations, especially as a business leader, where I became unregulated so that I could get something done.
When I had to fire somebody, it was always emotional for me, it was hard for me, it was challenging for me, so I'd get angry at the person.
I look back at that and I'm like, "Holy cow, what a crazy way to behave." Regulating before reacting or regulating in every situation is, is a way to approach a situation where you're present, you're grounded, you're aware, you're not causing rupture, you're not causing challenges for those around you.
It's creating safety instead of intensity.
You know, there's this myth in leadership that if the people who work for you are intimidated, if they're scared, if they, um, feel somewhat uneasy or uncertain, they're gonna work so much harder for you, and I just...
I don't believe that.
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