The Caregiver’s Compass: Strategies, Support, and Connection in Dementia Care

Yeah, it's so hard, all of the different behaviors.

And what you're saying right now is kind of a very common one, like a delusion.

They believe something so strongly, even if it's not true, and there's nothing you can say or do to convince them otherwise, right? And so spouses are feeling stuck, like, what do I do? Right? If I try to defend myself, they get more angry and they don't believe me, but I don't want to agree with it because it's not true at all, right? So one of the things in this situation, and I find when we're dealing with difficult dementia-related behaviors and communication, It's like learning a new language, how to communicate.

So rather than focusing on their words, which are, you're cheating on me, you have a boyfriend or you have a girlfriend, rather than focusing on their words, which is just going to lead to more argument and they're not going to ever believe what you're saying.

Instead, focus on their emotion underneath the words.

So in a situation like this, you're cheating, you don't love me, you're with your boyfriend.

It's like, what are they feeling underneath? Are they feeling unloved? Are they feeling anxious? Are they feeling like, you know, they don't matter anymore? And so we overlook the words and we might say something like, it depends on your personality.

This is where individual, like, you know your loved one best.

But I might say something like, oh my gosh, with a smile like yours, I can never see anybody else.

Or you're the love of my life.

Or I love you so much and I'm going to be here with you.

We don't have to defend ourselves, which I mean, you can try, but I'm guessing if you have, you've gotten a response that doesn't go anywhere.

So we can just say something that offers them loving reassurance and kindness, and then we don't have to stay on the topic.

We don't have to wait for them to agree and say, okay, you love me, or all right.

We can just decide to say like, hey, come help me with this right here.

Like, hey, I'd like to have a glass of water.

Come follow me.

Or here, I'm thirsty right now.

I'm going to go get myself a drink.

And you can excuse yourself.

Sometimes I think because in regular life, our conversations are very logical.

They're very rational.

We're focusing on people's words.

And we're sometimes looking for the ending of the conversation.

But in dementia care, it doesn't really sometimes feel that way.