Sep 21, 2026 · 46 min · 8 segments
Disappointment might be one of the first ways that we experience innocence lost. We hope, we expect, we desire, and then--we are let down. It doesn't happen. The ice cream cone smashes on the…
Victoria RussellHost
And one reason that disappointment has been on my mind is because I've noticed how often it comes into the therapy room and how quickly we humans, we adult humans, push it away and belittle it.
And then they will quickly kind of follow it up by saying, but that's immature or that's naive or this is why I try not to look forward to anything or I'm just being a baby about it.
And I think it says so much about what a powerful force disappointment is in our lives.
And what our experience was of disappointment and maybe also of excitement and joy in childhood and how adults responded to that.
And maybe how their response was shaped by how they experienced it as a child.
What's coming up for me immediately, which I don't want to lose the thread of, is some connection between disappointment and perfectionism.
And how so many people who find their way to us, ourselves included, are perfectionists.
And I wrote a post a couple months ago about the differentiation between perfectionism and idealism.
in our mind of whatever the thing is most people who many people who have found their way to me it's through the portal of romantic love so and that's a big place that our culture presents an idealistic version of what we think romantic love is supposed to provide how the person is supposed to be look like act how much money they're supposed to make all of the different facets that contribute to developing an idealized version.
And then the thud, the massive thud to reality that nobody will ever measure up to that Disney-fied, Hollywood-ified version of your romantic partner.
And instead of acknowledging and honoring and naming the disappointment and letting ourselves feel it, and then we can talk about our relationship to disappointment growing up and how it's not an emotion that gets a lot of good attention, the right attention.
That instead of acknowledging disappointment and letting ourselves feel it, grieve the gap between ideal and reality, that because of our distorted messages about romantic love, then we think there's something wrong.
And one reason that disappointment has been on my mind is because I've noticed how often it comes into the therapy room and how quickly we humans, we adult humans, push it away and belittle it.
And then they will quickly kind of follow it up by saying, but that's immature or that's naive or this is why I try not to look forward to anything or I'm just being a baby about it.
And I think it says so much about what a powerful force disappointment is in our lives.
And what our experience was of disappointment and maybe also of excitement and joy in childhood and how adults responded to that.
And maybe how their response was shaped by how they experienced it as a child.
What's coming up for me immediately, which I don't want to lose the thread of, is some connection between disappointment and perfectionism.
And how so many people who find their way to us, ourselves included, are perfectionists.
And I wrote a post a couple months ago about the differentiation between perfectionism and idealism.
in our mind of whatever the thing is most people who many people who have found their way to me it's through the portal of romantic love so and that's a big place that our culture presents an idealistic version of what we think romantic love is supposed to provide how the person is supposed to be look like act how much money they're supposed to make all of the different facets that contribute to developing an idealized version.
And then the thud, the massive thud to reality that nobody will ever measure up to that Disney-fied, Hollywood-ified version of your romantic partner.
And instead of acknowledging and honoring and naming the disappointment and letting ourselves feel it, and then we can talk about our relationship to disappointment growing up and how it's not an emotion that gets a lot of good attention, the right attention.
That instead of acknowledging disappointment and letting ourselves feel it, grieve the gap between ideal and reality, that because of our distorted messages about romantic love, then we think there's something wrong.
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