#137: Why Being Steady Beats All the Perfect Lines in Dating

Well, let's dive in just a little bit about what you said right there.

What are you optimizing for? I love that phrase.

Why is that important in this conversation?

Because what I'm noticing is in the same way that...

Your diet is going to, like, what is important in your diet? When I was a dietician, like, what's important in your diet depends on what your outcome of interest is.

If you're wanting to lose weight, it's going to look very different than if you're wanting to build mass.

If you're wanting to, you know, if you're a new mom who's nursing, your recommendations are going to look different than an 80-year-old man who is... you know, keeping his skin strong.

Like there's just different things that you want to be paying attention to, different variables.

So not all the variables need to apply to everyone at the same degree.

And if you don't understand that, you're not going to be playing in the level of nuance that we are trying to play in with you.

But it's also going to be putting you in a space where you don't have any...

I think this is why people are coming to YouTube, trying to fact check what they've heard against something big enough that creates contrast for them to be able to think through, what is this actually going to be creating for me? And what do I need to be paying attention to? So...

Yeah, this is I think this is a really important piece of the conversation, because if you are focusing on being more congruent, which is what we're putting forward as a really attractive, visceral experience for women, you're probably going to be optimizing for a relationship.

If we were to play this out where you get to be more of yourself.

which I think is what men are in the comments as I'm reading them, is something that they are after.

There's a kind of a gap in the dating advice where they're being told to optimize for attractiveness or looks or status of some sort.

But what they're looking for is actually a relationship where they get to be themselves and feel comfortable in their own home.

They don't feel like they have to constantly be performing.

And those two don't necessarily... overlap unless we intentionally overlap them they're kind of a 50 50 gamble if you're aiming for one you may end up over in the other camp but probably not as specifically as if you aimed for the other camp

so how do you define when you say being congruent what does that look like

The way I talk about being congruent is showing up as you're more of yourself showing up.

So being congruent in the vibe that you're putting out and the experience that you're having on the inside.

I think having that visceral and mental space lining up with what you're saying and thinking, lining up with what you're kind of projecting viscerally.

To me, that's how I define congruence with the men that I work with.

How would you define it from a woman's perspective? What do your clients