Episode 42 - Divorce, Difficult Conversations and Choosing the Right Family Lawyer with Colette Bain

**Episode 42 - Divorce, Difficult Conversations and Choosing the Right Family Lawyer with Colette Bain** What should you expect from a family solicitor when you are going through separation or divorce? And how much difference can the right lawyer make to the way your divorce unfolds? In this episode of Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Can Change Everything, I’m joined by Colette Bain, Partner and Family Solicitor at Knights, for a wide-ranging conversation about what family law looks like from the other side of the solicitor’s desk. For many people, separation or divorce is the first time they have needed to work closely with a solicitor. It can feel intimidating, particularly when you are already dealing with grief, anger, uncertainty, financial pressure or difficult communication with an ex-partner. Colette and I talk about why a good family solicitor needs to do far more than simply know the law. They need to listen, understand what matters to their client and recognise that family law rarely provides the simple, guaranteed outcomes people are sometimes led to expect. We explore why divorce settlements are not based on a straightforward formula, and why two people with apparently similar circumstances can have very different outcomes. As Colette explains, good family law requires solicitors to be collaborative, constructive and creative, rather than simply following a predetermined script. We also discuss what happens when conflict becomes entrenched. Colette shares how she responds when clients ask her to take an approach she believes is inappropriate or unethical, and why part of being a good solicitor sometimes means being prepared to challenge your own client rather than simply doing whatever they ask. We look at the role solicitors can play in creating boundaries where communication has become abusive or overwhelming, including circumstances where directing communication through a solicitor can temporarily remove some of the heat and create breathing space. Our conversation also explores: \- What being a partner in a law firm actually means \- What to look for when choosing a family solicitor \- Why feeling listened to matters \- Why family law is rarely as black and white as people expect \- The difference between legal advice and guaranteed outcomes \- Why solicitors sometimes need to challenge their own clients \- Professional standards and the roles of the Solicitors Regulation Authority and Resolution \- Why communication between solicitors can help cases move towards settlement \- The pressure within the family courts to resolve disputes where possible \- How anger, resentment and unresolved hurt can spill into financial and children proceedings \- The impact of no-fault divorce on the way people express what happened within their marriage \- Why emotional support and legal support often need to work alongside one another \- Domestic abuse, coercive control and post-separation abuse \- Why somebody experiencing abuse can appear highly reactive while the person exerting control appears calm \- Training within family law around domestic abuse and coercive control \- Fact-finding hearings and the distinction between family and criminal proceedings \- Why going to court does not necessarily provide the sense of vindication people may be hoping for \- The importance of understanding what a solicitor can and cannot promise you One of the most important themes running through our conversation is that family law is not designed to produce a winner and a loser. Separation and divorce are already emotionally difficult. When unresolved hurt becomes mixed into negotiations about money, property or children, reaching sensible decisions becomes considerably harder. That is also why emotional support can matter alongside legal advice. As Colette explains, mediation or negotiation can only do so much when somebody arrives with their “heart and head full of hate”. Working through some of the emotional impact of separation can make it much easier to make considered decisions about what happens next. Colette’s advice when choosing a solicitor Choose carefully and take your time. A solicitor may be working alongside you for months, or sometimes considerably longer. You need somebody who will listen, explain the law clearly, help you understand your options and develop a strategy based on your circumstances. Be cautious about promises of a particular outcome. A good solicitor can promise how they will work with you. They can explain the law, develop a strategy and do everything reasonably possible to help you reach the outcome you are seeking. What they cannot responsibly guarantee is exactly what a court will decide. As Colette puts it: “We can't promise you the outcome, but we can build the best strategy to get you there as far as possible.” Colette Bain Partner and Family Solicitor, Knights Telephone/WhatsApp: 07384 460636 Email: colette.bain@knightsplc.com Colette can also be found through the Resolution directory. About Dare to Speak Dare to Speak: Difficult Conversations That Can Change Everything explores the conversations we often find hardest to have, from separation, divorce and parenting to relationships, conflict, loss and major changes in our lives. Hosted by Eve Stanway, Break-up and Divorce Coach, Psychotherapist and author, the podcast looks at how we can approach difficult conversations with greater clarity, confidence and understanding. Disclaimer: This podcast provides general information and discussion only. Nothing in this episode constitutes legal advice. Family law is highly dependent upon individual circumstances. If you require advice about your own situation, please seek advice from an appropriately qualified family law professional. Thank you for listening. If you would like to comment or share a difficult conversation topic for a future podcast, please message me.🫶✨️ Connect with Eve Stanway If this episode resonated with you, find out more about working with Eve or book a free 20-minute confidential chat to talk about what is happening, what support you need and whether working together feels right. **Website:** www.evestanway.co.uk **Email:** [eve@evestanway.co.uk](mailto:eve@evestanway.co.uk) **Join the Dare to Speak Community** for thoughtful, non-judgemental support away from social media. Access Eve’s courses, expert interviews, monthly webinars and live Power Hour Q&As: https://join.evestanway.co.uk/ **Connect:** Instagram, YouTube & TikTok: @evestanway Facebook, LinkedIn & Substack: Eve Stanway Eve Stanway is a Difficult Conversations Expert, psychotherapist, coach, author and creator of the Listen, Speak, Lead Framework. **Books:** *Dare to Speak: Navigate Difficult Conversations with Confidence and Clarity* — www.evestanway.co.uk **Out now:** *Dare to Listen: Navigating Life’s Difficult Conversations with Young Adults Aged 16 to 28* https://www.amazon.co.uk/Dare-Listen-Navigating-Difficult-Conversations-ebook/dp/1918123373/