Why Your Heart Rate Can Make People Trust You or Pull Away

You know

it even from your

own house, your own

kitchen.

Someone you love can be standing at the counter, and you say something kind, and their shoulders brace a little bit.

You didn't say anything wrong.

And yet they're not clicking with you.

You're looking at their face for spontaneous mimicry and emotional contagion.

And yet it's not there.

And the people who are most sensitive to you, those who grew up around you, those who should be feeling you the most, can seem to not get you at all.

And this, of course, looks like some deep resentment or hatred.

But what's essential here to understand is that just as you can have a phone call with a loved one and there can be lag on the end and so you're talking over each other a little bit, it's not that either of you intends to be rude.

But the lag in the communication creates the disconnect.

And the same thing happens from a heart-to-heart level.

And you may have seen it in long relationships.

There are

arguments that come at a rhythm.

One voice seems to have a little bit of a whine in it or a little bit of anger in it.

And the other person, maybe they start to tighten up until they're synchronized.

in the same feelings.

And the same feelings they're synchronized in may be very negative, but at least for once, they're synchronized.

And when this happens, both parties will show increased inflammation for the rest of the day.

The synchrony captures an inability to disengage And it amplifies the harm.

And this is how, in a very real way, people can be poisonous for each other, for those around them.

And at the same time, through the same mechanism, people can heal each other.

You know

it even from your

own house, your own

kitchen.

Someone you love can be standing at the counter, and you say something kind, and their shoulders brace a little bit.

You didn't say anything wrong.

And yet they're not clicking with you.

You're looking at their face for spontaneous mimicry and emotional contagion.

And yet it's not there.

And the people who are most sensitive to you, those who grew up around you, those who should be feeling you the most, can seem to not get you at all.

And this, of course, looks like some deep resentment or hatred.

But what's essential here to understand is that just as you can have a phone call with a loved one and there can be lag on the end and so you're talking over each other a little bit, it's not that either of you intends to be rude.

But the lag in the communication creates the disconnect.

And the same thing happens from a heart-to-heart level.

And you may have seen it in long relationships.

There are

arguments that come at a rhythm.

One voice seems to have a little bit of a whine in it or a little bit of anger in it.

And the other person, maybe they start to tighten up until they're synchronized.

in the same feelings.

And the same feelings they're synchronized in may be very negative, but at least for once, they're synchronized.

And when this happens, both parties will show increased inflammation for the rest of the day.

The synchrony captures an inability to disengage And it amplifies the harm.

And this is how, in a very real way, people can be poisonous for each other, for those around them.

And at the same time, through the same mechanism, people can heal each other.