Falling Gently

So what, what do I, what do I do from here? Where do I go from here? Why is my neshamah so attracted to the Bnei Torah and the yeshivalite with their families on Chol Hamoed, with their tzitzit out, and their white shirt and black pants at every black hat, at every recreational spot, holding a sefer? Why am I so connected to the idea of wanting to be someone who's ehrlich, to be someone who's straight, to be someone who is careful, to be someone who is grounded, to be someone who's connected, to be someone who feels the presence of Hashem and really can live a life more and more of ein oyd movadoi.

Not ein oyd movadoi when I have this, and not ein oyd movadoi as long as this goes my way, and not ein oyd movadoi as long as I'm at the top of the food chain financially, knowledge-based, whatever, learning-wise.

Ein oyd movadoi, there's no room for my ego.

What does my ego tell me? Ego tells me, Avishai, you are a piece of crap.

That is what my ego says.

You are not worthy of the chasima.

You are not worthy of taking what you want to do to the next level because you just had a few days between Yom Kippur and Sukkos and you couldn't even do that.

That is what the parts want to tell me.

That is what they're telling me.

And I know it's sheker v'chaz of mamash because that's the opposite of ein oyd movadoi.

It's ein oyd Avishai.

It's ein oyd Oysi.

It's ein oyd Ani.

And that is the trick of the Yetzir Hara and it has tricked me for 40 years of my life in different ways of anything less than what you set your mind to is going to feel like failure.

But I know better today.

And I know that when I go back to work on Monday and maybe people aren't as careful about the language that they speak in the office.

When I go back to work on Monday and everyone's back busting out emails and sharing what they need done and how they need done, I could react with impatience or sensitivity or anxiety.

I know that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday when I get back, you know, I may not make all the minyanim I want to make.

I now know that, you know, I may not get the learning I want to make even though I have all these sefarim and I've loaded my library and I want so deeply badly for my neshamah to be dressed like I see the, you know, the chash of Yeshiva like dressed at Cholomai and the way that they carry themselves is walking kedushe Hashem.

That my neshamah is wanting that level of purity.

And I know that if I allow anything besides self to drive the next steps I take, then I end up in a very dark place where addictive behaviors, you know, distractions, anything I can do to get my mind off it, eating sugar, those become the outlets versus coming into my office and knocking out some great despite of this with the Aveshter and just talking to him, meditating, going from working out, learning, watching sports, whatever it may be, kosher, more kosher-like activities.

And this is the battle.

This is the battle that I'm having between Yom Kippur and now.

And it's the battle really I have all year.

Because in no time, the Yom Kippurim are gone and my activity is majority work-related and responsibility-related and I get lost again.