The narrative is just reality.

Meanwhile, the man operating the snake net kiosk says, ha ha, the perfect opportunity to show off my product.

There's a guy standing by him saying, yeah, I don't know.

I'm just not sold.

Watch this.

He fails.

The snakes pass easily through the net, which have wide openings.

By the side of her shoulder.

Dumb Dumbs & Dragons has been downloaded more than 19 million times and charted as the number two fiction podcast in the US.

Dumb Dumbs & Dragons' trio of central heroes are the zaniest and most lovable crew you can join.

Featuring Quinny, a thief who broke out of prison by serving his full sentence, Alan, a wizard who constantly forgets magic has consequences, and their mutual friend, Butt Hole, a fart cleric of the goddess Moonhammer, who the other two think he made up.

Wow, with a main character named Butt Hole, what are they doing advertising on Rude Tales of Magic?

Ding, ding, ding.

Uh, f- from engagement rings, I remember when I got married.

Ooh-wee.

You're an old spinster.

Our thanks to Dumb Dumbs and Dragons for their support.

[upbeat jazz music] Hello, hello, friends, Romans, listeners.

Lend me your ears.

It is I, Joe Lepore from the hit podcast, Rude Tales of Magic.

I'm coming to you on this fifth Tuesday of September.

You see, we've already released two incredible new episodes of the hit campaign, Blue Kindness High, for the month of September, and sure, we would love to have another installment of our beloved new campaign here for you today, but you already got two this month.

Don't be greedy, listeners.

Yes.

Listen up for a sneak freak of our latest Patreon game of the month.

You're all gathered in the Heron's esoterically decorated luxury apartment, with its iconic view of the Space Needle.

In 10 short minutes, guests will begin arriving for your elaborate dinner party to celebrate the release of celebrated author Marcel Du Book's newest epic, We Were Only Soldiers.

But where is that French eccentric Marcel? Surely you remembered to book him, right? Oh.

Oh, God.

The clock is ticking.

Begin.

[laughs]

All the other players are waiting in bated breath to see if he's still reading his book.

Scooter is more than a little mad at his friends.

It was a hairy situation they were just in.

They were in a, a near-miss crash with an 18-wheeler on a highway on a school bus, a famously un-seat-belted [laughs] and frankly unsafe vehicle we put all our children in, America.

And he's sort of, like, furiously and almost performatively reading his book.

He turns a page with, you know, a little bit of sass almost, [page rustling] and he continues, "Stuno stood atop the dragon's head."

Hell yeah.

"Draknor was ready, glowing scarlet with power, to deliver a killing blow.

[scoffs] Why'd you have to ask me a question that's so goddamn easy? I've got it right here, pal.

Thanks.

Yes.

[gasps] I've got all these pieces in place.

Now to cut the wire of supporting a beloved comedy podcast.

Wish me luck.

I love you guys.

I'll put everyone in the world in a box.

[scoffs] Why'd you have to ask me a question that's so goddamn easy? I've got it right here, pal.

Thanks.

Yes.

[gasps] I've got all these pieces in place.

Now to cut the wire of supporting a beloved comedy podcast.

Wish me luck.

I love you guys.

20.

[laughs]

[laughs] Yeah.

I see-

The fuck?

I see my Uncle Allion made you special.

Oh, man, I bet he made you take an oath, right? Yeah, that's so traditional.

I'm sorry.

We're close enough.

You do this for you.

And why shouldn't I? For too long, the Illumine have been at the watchward's beck and call.

You've trimmed and cropped our natural growth like a bonsai tree to enrich your little garden of observation.

But the Illumine were made to do more than document.

For the first time in a hundred years, we will have a planet to do with what we will, without the watchward's interference.

Yorgos's second tongue molds itself into a fan that spins in reverse, dragging out of Aliene's head seed after seed, after seed, after seed, after seed.

Yes.

The prince will need something to give to his new friends.

It is Rude Tales of Magic: Blue Kindness High." All right, get out of here.

[mysterious music] [singing] Blue Kindness High.

I've got a big scoop.

You've got a big scoop? I'm w- I'm sorry.

The, the, the scoop that we had this morning that our musical is Les Miserables-

I got an un-nat 20.

We hear a rustle behind us and realize this line of cross country runners is not just, like, in our way to move forward.

They are also behind us, surrounding us.

The walls of pretty men are closing in.

Holy shit, my phone's at 110%.

[laughs] Uh, wait, if something is happening, we're just gonna have to figure it out and find the scoop.

The scoop! I've gotta get to the school.

My underwear is outside.

There was this villain in Spider-Man one time who was like, why did you tell everyone you have spider powers? No one knows their spider powers.

You swing through the city like Tarzan.

And you shoot sticky goop.

You do not build webs to catch flies or whatever.

You don't need to say, I got my powers from spider.

Really good.

Yeah, and as we're looking around, we can see that we're up on a little bit of the hill where the house is overlooking the estate.

And she's just lying there, and you can see the color is draining from her body, from her clothes, from

her beautiful heels.

Studio Ghibli stands at the door.

Hey, Agrigenta, you coming? Agrigenta! Will you...

You gotta stay in the mall.

You're just gonna stay in the mall and leave the whole world out there without you? You gonna let them elect a new Necrocardinal? It could be me.

You would hate that.

Thank you.

This is a moon of Cordelia.

No, no, no.

No, no, no.

It didn't happen to you, buddy.

Lemon saw your eggshell.

You've just decided this, this, your dad got cranky, and then you were born, and then you just believed that it happened to you, too.

But you're your own guy, man.

Ghibli.

We need to

be careful.

We have to remember, this is not the surface, okay? This is some kind of, obviously some kind of, like, psychedelic twisted inter...

limbo realm between the worlds, because if this was the surface, women, we know, there's, like, artifacts and jewels everywhere.

It should be, but...

It wouldn't be this, like, creepy place with giant orbs and lots of spiderwebs.

Okay, well, if you want to talk, you can

talk.

me that my life is in his hands?

There's a little guy.

There's a little guy telling me what to do.

He's going to tell me what to do.

I say, no, I'm going back.

I'm going back right now.

And this elf starts to climb down.

I'm a reasonable man.