When Did You Start Doubting Yourself? | Identity — The 1st Silent War | Laura Ollinger

Send us Fan Mail When did you first start questioning whether you were good enough? For many people, that story begins early—through grades, sports, appearance, approval, responsibility, or trying to become the version of ourselves we believe others will accept. Over time, those messages can become part of our identity until we stop asking **who we are** and start measuring ourselves by how well we perform. In this episode of *Your Thoughts, Your Reality*, Michael Cole sits down with Laura Ollinger, a teen and parent well-being coach, motivational youth speaker, mom of four teens, National Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, Neuroencoding Specialist, and host of the *Positively Healthy Mom* podcast. Together, Mike and Laura explore **Identity — The 1st Silent War** and one of the most important questions we can ask: **Who gets to decide who you are?** Laura shares the idea behind her signature message, **The Decider**, and how her own personal work led to a powerful realization: **“I’m the decider of my worth.”** That idea becomes the center of this conversation. Mike and Laura discuss how self-doubt can form, how achievement can become tied to identity, and how parents can unintentionally reinforce the belief that worth is something that must be earned. They also explore the difference between praising outcomes and recognizing effort, courage, growth, and willingness to try. Because when someone only feels seen after the grade, the goal, the win, or the accomplishment, they can begin to believe: **“I matter when I perform.”** This conversation directly connects to several of **The 10 Silent Wars**: - **Identity — The 1st Silent War:** “Whose voice gets to define who I am?” - **Self-Worth — The 6th Silent War:** “Is my value based on what I accomplish?” - **Connection — The 3rd Silent War:** “Do I still belong when I disappoint someone?” - **Control — The 4th Silent War:** “Can I allow someone I love to make their own choices?” - **Direction — The 8th Silent War:** “Am I learning to make decisions for myself?” Mike and Laura also discuss the fine line between protection and control. Technology, monitoring, rescuing, and trying to prevent every mistake can come from love—but they can also unintentionally communicate: **“I don’t trust you to figure this out.”** Laura explains the importance of autonomy support: giving teens and young adults age-appropriate opportunities to make decisions, experience consequences, and build confidence through real-life problem solving. Because confidence does not come from never failing. It comes from discovering: **“I made a mistake—and I can handle what comes next.”** The conversation also goes deeper into generational patterns. What did you have to do growing up to receive attention, praise, acceptance, or love? What did your family teach you about success, failure, image, responsibility, and worth? And which of those messages might you be carrying forward without realizing it? Laura’s message is not about blaming yourself or your parents. It is about awareness. Once you recognize the patterns that shaped you, you can decide which ones you want to keep—and which ones stop with you. **In this episode, you’ll learn:** - When self-doubt and identity struggles can begin developing - What Laura means by becoming **“The Decider”** - Why self-worth and achievement can become dangerously connected - How praising effort and courage can build healthier confidence - Why over-rescuing can undermine resilience and independence - How autonomy support helps teens learn to trust themselves - How family patterns shape identity across generations - Why perfectionism, anxiety, procrastination, and shutdown can be connected - How open-ended curiosity can create more connection than criticism - Why meaningful change can start with one small action If this conversation made you recognize something in yourself, your children, or the way you were raised, don’t use that awareness as another reason to judge yourself. Use it as information. Ask yourself: **Whose voice has been deciding who I am—and is it time for me to become the decider?** Start by connecting with the *Your Thoughts, Your Reality* community and explore more conversations around **The 10 Silent Wars**: 👉 https://yourthoughtsyourreality.com/ Watch the full conversations and subscribe to the *Your Thoughts, Your Reality* YouTube channel: 👉 https://www.youtube.com/@YourThoughtsYourReality Learn more about Laura Ollinger, *The Decider*, her teen and parent coaching, school speaking, and the *Positively Healthy Mom* podcast: 👉 https://positivelyhealthycoaching.com/ And when you’re ready to go deeper and create meaningful change in your mindset, identity, and direction: 👉 https://empowerperformancestrategies.com/ Because your thoughts shape your reality… And sometimes the first step toward becoming who you are is deciding that your worth is no longer up for debate. #Identity #TheFirstSilentWar #LauraOllinger #TheDecider #SelfWorth #ParentingTeens #TeenMentalHealth #Confidence #EmotionalRegulation #Neuroencoding #The10SilentWars #YourThoughtsYourReality Explore more episodes, resources, and updates from Mike Cole at: https://YourThoughtsYourReality.com If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe to the podcast so you don’t miss future conversations on leadership, mindset, and navigating life after service. 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