Feeling Too Hard To Love

So the title is basically, we're going to be speaking about being too hard to love, right? Too difficult to love, which is such a weird statement to make, right? But I think it's something that we have probably all felt at least once in our lives, where it's just this feeling of like, am I...

Is it just too hard to love me? Like, is it just, you know, but I know that I would feel like that a lot.

Like I have always many, many times in my life kind of just felt like I, I don't know, like it must be really overwhelming to choose me, you know? um it must be really complex and stuff like that and it's such a weird it's such a weird thing to think and to say out loud and admit right that you just feel too difficult to love but like let's start let's start with what you know where it can begin right so it's experiences um so it could be a childhood perhaps with your parents you know your parents might not be as present as available emotionally available and all that kind of stuff as involved in your life when you were a child um they may have not met all your emotional needs, right? To be the kind of parent that you need them to, where you can like turn to them, count on them and all of that kind of stuff.

Perhaps they were busy.

Like my parents were working and stuff like that.

So it was always so interesting.

Like when there were certain events that would happen at school and everybody else's parents were there, but I'm like, my parents can't be here.

Like they're working, they're busy.

Yeah.

they don't they don't like at what point you know would they be able to just leave their work and stuff to show up to you know something happening at 10 a.m at my school and all of that kind of stuff like I think the pressure was a bit weird and insane you know and um I think like in that sense like I felt like I was too much like I felt like maybe I would be asking for too much you know that feeling of like asking for too much to be like you know could you show up for this could you be here for this when they were really doing you know the most that they could you know to provide for me and be the parents that they were in my life and stuff like that.

So it felt like I was just asking for a bit of an extra, you know, to be like, could you please attend these certain meetings at school or whatever, these things that I'm participating in, my netball matches and all of that kind of stuff.

They just, they were just caught up, you know, and there's nothing that I blame them for, you know, but I guess in comparison, they just weren't as involved as perhaps like a lot of my other friends were, you know, like those instances where your other friends' parents know you, like they know everything going on in your life, right? because they're just always there they know how you play they know how you like how you perform and all of that kind of stuff so it was like very weird because i think also like i would you know get attention i guess from teachers trying to play a bit of like that parental role because they were constantly involved in the things that i was participating in the shows that i was performing in and all of that kind of stuff they were there you know and so um and though like i hate that question you know like when they would ask summer where are your parents I hated getting asked that.

I hated, like, just even having to explain and stuff like that because I felt like I understood, right? But it was so weird that, you know, my teachers didn't understand that and stuff.

So in those ways, it made me feel different.

It made me feel...

I guess I wouldn't use the word neglected.

I never felt neglected by my parents.

But I mean, like, yeah, it just made me feel a bit isolated and just not the same as the other kids around me and all of that kind of stuff.

I think that if you were raised in a dynamic where you were considered lost, you know, perhaps you have so many siblings and stuff like that, that you were not the main priority, right? That your needs and stuff like that weren't the immediate response or weren't of urgency and all of that kind of stuff because the attention was split amongst parents so many of you guys and all the rest, like there's only so much of themselves that can go around and stuff like that, that, you know, you might be feeling like, ah, a bit emotionally abandoned in certain areas and all of that kind of stuff that it feels again, like you're too much, you know, the feeling of being too much.

Um, it's so ironic because, um, you will feel too much to the point that you're not enough.

And I'm going to explain that a bit deeper later in the conversation.

But like, yeah, like I think I've always just felt like too much the point of always feeling inadequate for people, always feeling like I just don't feel like I'm enough for just, you know, one person or, you know, but yeah, we're going to go into that like later.

But like, yeah, I think that it feels too much to ask for more.

It feels too much to Even say you need more, you know, to require more, to more attention, more time, more love, more care, consideration and all of that kind of stuff.

And I think that if you're growing up in an environment where you didn't feel like a priority, you definitely are going to feel like you're too much to love, you know, because it's like, How come other people, you know, are able to be met with the needs that they require and stuff? How come other people around you are able to be met with the attention, all of that kind of stuff that they require and stuff and you can't, you know, what is it about me that just isn't enough, you know, to get that and acquire those things? I think that certain topics such as desirability politics, right, which is essentially people wanting to be the desire for people to want to be associated with you, around you, to date you, to be your friend and all of that kind of stuff because of the value you provide in social settings.