S13: Episode 139: Linda Levine: ALS, caregiving and intimacy

I know that you have been coaching people, and you said grief coaching specifically o- uh, over many, many years.

I think you were doing that while you were also working for, uh, San José State.

Um, what, what are some of the, the things, the roadblocks that you, you feel that people often get stuck on? 'Cause in our work it was really hope and prepare.

Like, they got stuck with not wanting to talk about it, avoiding it, um, you know, just as being stuck in the, uh, the hope-for-the-best lane, and we really had to open the door to be that hoping for the best- Does not, uh, p- you know, exclude preparing for the rest.

And once they were able to appreciate that they could talk about the future or open up that door, it... not only was there sort of a weight l- lifted, but now they could start to think about the what-ifs and start to do some of the things that you're talking about, being proactive, engaging their community, um, expressing what was important to them, you know, what was... what made their life enjoyable or made them them.

Um, but before that they were stuck.

And so I'm so curious, you know, you've been a coach for so many people, what's the most common things that people get stuck on?

Oh, there are many, and they're varied.

It'll sound like I'm jumping all over the map when I list a few, but it's because grief is as varied as people are varied.

One is that we live in a death-denying society, so even saying out loud, "I'm doing terrible today because my spouse died or my great aunt, who I haven't even seen in six months, and I'm feeling terrible," just answering that question, how are you, besides fine, is like a revolution.

[laughs] So I encourage people to not feel like a burden in speaking your truth.

Also, to know that there are many, many things that people say as cliches or silver lining phrases.

They're do-gooders and they mean well, but they actually cause more harm than good.

So just preparing for that and being able to ignore them really helps.

For example, "He's in a better place now," or, "Well, at least he was old," or, um, whatever it is.

But that's a second one.

Also, give yourself permission to not be as you always are.

So for example, um, whatever culture you're in, there's generally the most important holidays of that culture, and so coming up to those holidays there's some energy around enthusiasm or set up or who, uh, who hosts, and it's okay to decline those things.

What happens, here's a caveat though, what happens is your community freaks out if you decline.

So I encourage people to say, "For this year, I'm not going to be part of the cookie exchange.

For this year, I'd like somebody else to host.

For this year, I'm not going to go for the whole day, but I'm going to show up if I can, but just know I'm going to leave early, so just expect that." So unfortunately when you're the griever, there's some work you have to do to keep beloved ones at bay, because everyone wants you to feel better, and in grief, the only way better is through it.

As I say to grieving children, it's like the Disney movie.

You...

With the deep, dark forest, you know? The hero has to go through the forest to see the light, the gold, the castle on the other side.