A Trauma-Informed Take On Turning It Over with Dr. Sam

And today we are talking about step three, which says, in its original language, "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him." So if you listened to the episode about step two, you'll know already that for anybody who has any religious trauma, they're gonna come up against this step and fight it.

And in the worst case scenario, they're gonna be called willful, disruptive, unable to follow direction.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Mm.

Well, AA very much tries to remind the addict that God is whatever you want it to be, but it contradicts itself because then it says Him, because then it has you recite the Lord's Prayer and the St. Francis Prayer.

Feels and smells a lot like Christianity, and if you had a punishing Christian God, you're damn right you're not gonna wanna work this step as written.

Mm.

Here's the thing.

What happens if the person trying to work the step had to give their will over when they shouldn't have to a parent, or to an abuser, or to a church? You want them to do it again? You want them to do the very thing that traumatized them in the first place? And then you wanna call them willful, and full of ego, and full of pride, and selfish, and self-centered? You know what? The addict doesn't have too much self, they have too little.

Their authentic self was silenced, was shunned, was shamed a long, long time ago.

They don't need less self, they need more of it.

Otherwise, you're just keeping them at war with themselves.

What's the modern reframe of step three? [inhales deeply] Can I make a decision just for now, just for today, to come into alignment with my true self, my natural instincts, my intuition, and try to make the best choices I can from that place? And if I get down with God, if that word doesn't scare me and doesn't re-traumatize me, then I can do it with the help of a loving God, or the universe, or the most loving, kind, patient, and compassionate energy that I can feel in this moment.

We don't realize that these steps can cause the shame that we already feel, that they can feed the cycle rather than end it.

But imagine a trauma-informed version.

Imagine giving yourself permission to find a version of step three that actually feels safe to you, so you can stop fighting against the parts of you that are simply there to protect you.

I was terrified of the word God for years I worked the program for five years and literally braced my body every single time somebody said the word God.

I was judged, criticized, told again and again that if I don't get down with God, I was never gonna stay sober.

Well, guess what? I did.

And I couldn't find safety in that word until I did step nine backward.

We're not gonna get into that step right now.

We will get to it soon.

But if you are struggling in the traditional 12-step, if you have religious trauma or you're an atheist, take out the word God.

Take out the word Him.

Rearrange it until your shoulders drop away from your ears.