Oct 8, 2026 · 1 hr 5 min · 19 segments
Women learn early which parts of themselves make other people comfortable. After enough years, that performance can begin to feel like our identity, and the intuition underneath it goes quiet. Dr…
Ellen VoraGuest
Tamsen FadalHost
So when did you start seeing, I, I guess, the qualities that were making you successful separating you from who you truly are or who you knew you were?

That was a process that was very light for me for a long time, where I was getting into yoga, so I would be like, "Oh, okay, you know, I'm an atheist and I don't like woo-woo things, but I do like chanting 'om' before I exercise." And I think that-

Oh, the chill girl is a, a whole complicated topic, because I think that when I was a teenager, I also looked around and saw ways that women were buying respect and admission into the boys' clubs, and there were not that many pathways.

But one way seemed to be to not be fussy or high-maintenance or demand much of anybody, to not inconvenience anybody.

I'll be chill." And looking back, I recognize now, from the moment we hit puberty, there's actually nothing chill about the machinery of the female body.

I don't need a bathroom break on this road trip," every time I was like, "I'm gonna just deal with my period in privacy, in secret, not inconvenience anybody around me, and not demand more time for rest," all of that was steamrolling over the needs of my body, and I think I paid the price in a lot of ways that I got out of balance with my physical health.

But perhaps even more critically, it's a way that we're betraying ourselves, that we're not honoring the worthiness of our bodies to take up the space and the rest that they need.

Well, we go around looking for external permission for everything, right? And trying to make sure that we fit in in so many different ways.

It's interesting that you were trying so hard to fit into the boys' club at such an early age.

That was important to you, to be taken seriously or what you perceived to be taken seriously.

That was the pathway I saw, was that here's the gender that seems to have more power, and I wanted, I wanted what I saw.

So when did you start seeing, I, I guess, the qualities that were making you successful separating you from who you truly are or who you knew you were?

That was a process that was very light for me for a long time, where I was getting into yoga, so I would be like, "Oh, okay, you know, I'm an atheist and I don't like woo-woo things, but I do like chanting 'om' before I exercise." And I think that-

Oh, the chill girl is a, a whole complicated topic, because I think that when I was a teenager, I also looked around and saw ways that women were buying respect and admission into the boys' clubs, and there were not that many pathways.

But one way seemed to be to not be fussy or high-maintenance or demand much of anybody, to not inconvenience anybody.

I'll be chill." And looking back, I recognize now, from the moment we hit puberty, there's actually nothing chill about the machinery of the female body.

I don't need a bathroom break on this road trip," every time I was like, "I'm gonna just deal with my period in privacy, in secret, not inconvenience anybody around me, and not demand more time for rest," all of that was steamrolling over the needs of my body, and I think I paid the price in a lot of ways that I got out of balance with my physical health.

But perhaps even more critically, it's a way that we're betraying ourselves, that we're not honoring the worthiness of our bodies to take up the space and the rest that they need.

Well, we go around looking for external permission for everything, right? And trying to make sure that we fit in in so many different ways.

It's interesting that you were trying so hard to fit into the boys' club at such an early age.

That was important to you, to be taken seriously or what you perceived to be taken seriously.

That was the pathway I saw, was that here's the gender that seems to have more power, and I wanted, I wanted what I saw.
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