EP 372 – Responsibility Without Control

One of the parts of responsibility that's particularly uncomfortable does not automatically come with control.

I wish it did.

It would make a lot of things easier.

If I were responsible for something, then ideally, I would be able to control all the variables, make the right decisions, do the work, and then absolutely guarantee the result.

Can you imagine how fantastic that would be? Sadly, that's not how much of life actually works.

You can prepare for the meeting and be really super prepared and still not close the deal or still lose the opportunity.

You can lead somebody carefully and still watch them make a decision that you completely disagree with.

You can raise your children thoughtfully and lovingly.

and still see them choose something that you would never choose for them.

You can do excellent work and you can still lose a client.

You can take good care of your health, still get sick.

So what does responsibility mean when we don't control the result? Well, I think one of the things that we sometimes do is begin to expand our definition of responsibility until it starts to include control.

We helicopter and hover.

We double-check everything.

We worry.

We rehearse conversations that have not even actually happened yet.

We start imagining every possible thing that could go wrong.

and we try to get out in front of all of it.

Because we tell ourselves we're just being responsible, we can justify an enormous amount of anxiety.

Don't get me wrong, preparation matters, and so does judgment.

But there comes a point where preparation becomes an attempt to eliminate uncertainty.

and uncertainty is not something that we're ever going to completely eliminate.

Marcus Aurelius had enormous responsibility, more responsibility than almost any of us will ever carry.

But even as emperor, there were limits to what he could command.

He couldn't control the weather.

One of the parts of responsibility that's particularly uncomfortable does not automatically come with control.

I wish it did.

It would make a lot of things easier.

If I were responsible for something, then ideally, I would be able to control all the variables, make the right decisions, do the work, and then absolutely guarantee the result.

Can you imagine how fantastic that would be? Sadly, that's not how much of life actually works.

You can prepare for the meeting and be really super prepared and still not close the deal or still lose the opportunity.

You can lead somebody carefully and still watch them make a decision that you completely disagree with.

You can raise your children thoughtfully and lovingly.

and still see them choose something that you would never choose for them.

You can do excellent work and you can still lose a client.

You can take good care of your health, still get sick.

So what does responsibility mean when we don't control the result? Well, I think one of the things that we sometimes do is begin to expand our definition of responsibility until it starts to include control.

We helicopter and hover.

We double-check everything.

We worry.

We rehearse conversations that have not even actually happened yet.

We start imagining every possible thing that could go wrong.

and we try to get out in front of all of it.

Because we tell ourselves we're just being responsible, we can justify an enormous amount of anxiety.

Don't get me wrong, preparation matters, and so does judgment.

But there comes a point where preparation becomes an attempt to eliminate uncertainty.

and uncertainty is not something that we're ever going to completely eliminate.

Marcus Aurelius had enormous responsibility, more responsibility than almost any of us will ever carry.

But even as emperor, there were limits to what he could command.

He couldn't control the weather.