Episode #445 How Do I Know If I'm Leading or Controlling?

So the question reads, I want to lead my family biblically.

So I'm actually hearing a lot of language like this.

I can I'll throw this out there without giving away too much of the, of the farm here, but my wife and I have two young men, two boys, two sons, both of them are in college and both of them are in Christian colleges, uh, very different schools and studying different, different things.

And yet these are things that I'm hearing from their peers.

And it is a, it is a fascinating conversation and one that's kind of, um, Kind of blowing my mind a little bit, friends.

So I would say what this particular question or variations of this question, pretty common among young men in their 20s, especially those within the church.

I want to lead my family biblically, but my wife and I clash constantly.

It feels like she's just fighting my authority because of the culture that we live in.

All right.

How do I know this is great? How do I know if my wife is genuinely acting out of rebellion? or if I'm actually crossing the line into what you call coercive control.

What a great question.

If more young men could self-reflect, especially those who are kind of falling into the authority as power over trap could self-reflect, this would be super healthy for our families.

So I think the question itself kind of assumes or shows us a teaching that's becoming more common in the church that if a wife or his wife or whoever's wife pushes back, criticizes, expresses anger or emotes beyond comfort, she's likely... rebelling or infected by some post-feminist culture.

So the framework that I think is being taught, and again, I hate to be just making a caricature, so please take this for what it's worth because there is probably some snark in this that is not going to be helpful, so Lord help me.

I do think the framework that's out there is telling young men that his primary problem, the primary task at hand, is to address his wife's lack of submission, not reflect on his own style of leadership.

And for the sake of this question, young men who are following suit with what this question is asking are wise by not simply By not simply saying, my wife is rebelling, but then also asking the question, could I be guilty of what you're calling coercive control? We would say we have to look at the root and the fruit of the contention or the emotion or the conflict.

And we have to look at your response, your reaction, or your demeanor.

There's a lot going on here because I would say that the, the framework or the camp that we're talking about can easily label trauma responses, um, just emotional fluctuations, uh, venting, um, immaturity as rebellion.

And those things are just kind of human.

We all grow up, we all take time to learn one another.

And the thought that there are young wives whose husbands are being encouraged to get control of this, to label emotions, it's troublesome to me.

And so let's talk just a little bit about this.