Going Off Script

But understanding yourself and living as yourself are two different things.

I survived many circumstances

through camouflaging.

I've had to go off script in a lot of other people's stories in order to claim my own.

Finding yourself in someone else's story happens, especially when your food and housing depends on being a writer for hire.

Mine was neglected for a while, but I've decided to pick it up again.

But how do I do that as a neurocomplex creative? I live a low-energy life, and much of my work is done from a recliner or from bed.

That is the reality of my circumstance right now.

And at the same time, I'm also someone who is intentional about how I live.

I've made a lot of peace with being still and enjoying the beauty of my life from whatever vantage point I have.

And I feel like I owe a lot of that ability to be still and see the beauty in stillness to my practice of Transcendental Meditation.

Regardless of anyone's informed or uninformed opinions about TM, rest assured, I'm not selling anything.

It's the meditation practice I have learned, but I consider myself in general terms who adapts and freestyles to my neurocomplex needs and while also not subscribing to anyone else's agenda about how I access my own connection to the universe.

Another side of being still and noticing the beauty around you is that it can also be a form of coping when you're going through a hard time.

And you know what else I do? I play puzzle games on my phone a lot.

I stare at the wall a lot.

I self-soothe through dissociation.

That's also a part of where I'm at.

A big part of being able to create again is allowing myself the time that I need to rest my brain and body in a way that helps me.

And sometimes it requires me to have periods of time where I'm simply shut down while needing to recharge.

I call this low battery mode.

Because of my trauma training, I understand the value of settling my brain this way, even if externally it doesn't look like much, and the thing my brain needs to rest can get trampled on by productivity bros as being lazy.

A lot of what this season is about is exploring who I am as a neurocomplex creative, because so much of what I accomplished in the past was built on a foundation of affirming my value through productivity and output.

And I can no longer do that as a neurocomplex creative, recovering from burnout and living with chronic illness.