The Love Drive with Shaun Galanos
Sep 17, 2026 · 57 min · 14 segments
**(Replay from 2020)** What happens when one person wants sex more often than the other? In this conversation with sex educator Kai Werder, we talk about mismatched libidos, responsive vs…
Kai WerderGuest
Shaun GalanosHost
Can you repeat your definition of desire? I really liked it and I want to hear it again.
Yeah, so I define desire as that which incites you to move towards and invite in pleasure.
And for me, flirting, the typical definitions didn't really fit how I experienced it.
So for me, it was more playfully connecting with the world, right? Engaging with people in a playful way.
That was my definition of flirting, where the traditional ones had, you know, seduction and sort of things that didn't fit.
So I like this idea of making your definitions, coming up with your definitions that better explain your experience.
And I think that's really powerful when we're talking about desire and libido in relationships, because what you mean by desire might not be what I mean by desire.
And so I love this idea of getting curious about like, when you say this, what do you mean by that?
Yeah, another reason why I have folks redefine words for themselves is so that they get curious about the people that they're in relationship with and realize that if they have their own personal definition of desire or of sex, then their partner must as well.
And so when we get curious about how our partner defines desire and sex, it might open up this conversation of, oh, I didn't know that you defined sex as, you know, naked sensual time together, that it doesn't have to include genital play.
Like that actually allows me to understand open up then and, you know, explore that more with you.
And so I think that it's really about allowing people to have relationships where they feel really nourished and they feel like they can ask for what they want and their partners have that space as well.
And getting really clear for yourself about your desires is a part of what helps you communicate them.
Yeah, how can you ask for what you want if you don't know what you want and you don't have the language available to make those requests?
I talk about this a lot in some of my workshops and courses is that people are really scared of rejection.
Can you repeat your definition of desire? I really liked it and I want to hear it again.
Yeah, so I define desire as that which incites you to move towards and invite in pleasure.
And for me, flirting, the typical definitions didn't really fit how I experienced it.
So for me, it was more playfully connecting with the world, right? Engaging with people in a playful way.
That was my definition of flirting, where the traditional ones had, you know, seduction and sort of things that didn't fit.
So I like this idea of making your definitions, coming up with your definitions that better explain your experience.
And I think that's really powerful when we're talking about desire and libido in relationships, because what you mean by desire might not be what I mean by desire.
And so I love this idea of getting curious about like, when you say this, what do you mean by that?
Yeah, another reason why I have folks redefine words for themselves is so that they get curious about the people that they're in relationship with and realize that if they have their own personal definition of desire or of sex, then their partner must as well.
And so when we get curious about how our partner defines desire and sex, it might open up this conversation of, oh, I didn't know that you defined sex as, you know, naked sensual time together, that it doesn't have to include genital play.
Like that actually allows me to understand open up then and, you know, explore that more with you.
And so I think that it's really about allowing people to have relationships where they feel really nourished and they feel like they can ask for what they want and their partners have that space as well.
And getting really clear for yourself about your desires is a part of what helps you communicate them.
Yeah, how can you ask for what you want if you don't know what you want and you don't have the language available to make those requests?
I talk about this a lot in some of my workshops and courses is that people are really scared of rejection.
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