Learning to love unpredictability

"This is kind of where I'm at.

I don't know what's coming." I think a lot of us don't know what's coming, and that's pretty uncomfortable.

It's pretty scary not to know what's coming.

I have been recently living with a lot of anxiety and depression, and to me, it kind of feels like anxiety is me trying to figure out what's coming, right? My brain is trying to make sense and is trying to control my life, and it's trying to plan for what is coming down the pipe.

But the reality is I don't know what's coming down the pipe, and I'm pretty sure you don't know what's coming down the pipe either.

I mean, sure, it's like, okay, I've got a life.

I know when I go to the gym, I know where I go to work, I know who my friends are, but the variety, the unpredictability of life is huge.

It's huge.

And I am trying to learn how to let go and just be present for the moment, this current moment.

And it's hard, and it's totally a practice, right? Letting go is a practice that I have to do over and over and over and over again.

I can let something go, and then I'll feel some peace around it, and then I'll take it back, right? Whether it's anxiety over a relationship or a job or a housing situation or anything, I wanna control it so that I can predict it, so that I can know how to feel about it.

I think it's a lot harder to just trust and to let go and to be present in whatever is arising in the moment.

I'm reading a book called The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, and it's pretty much all about letting go.

How do you let go when life is constantly hitting your stuff, right? People, situations, events, these things are affecting you.

They're affecting me, and then I have lots of feelings about them, right? I get rejected by a woman, I start feeling like I'm not enough.

I start telling myself stories about if I had only done this or if I had only done that, then I would still be with this person, right? Or I don't get a promotion at work.

If I'd only done this, if I'd only done that, I would have gotten the promotion.

I start beating myself up.

I start telling myself fake stories about how I'm not enough or I'm too much or I'm too needy, or I'm not what-- I'm not this, I'm not that.

And it's exhausting, and a lot of it isn't true, and a lot of it is outside of my control.

And so I'm learning to live with a little bit more unpredictability.

And I like this quote: "It helps if you can realize that this part of life when you don't know what's coming is often the part that people look back on with the greatest affection." I don't know what's coming.

There have been times in my life where I didn't know what was coming, and what was coming was good.

And sometimes what's coming is not good or easy or simple.

It's hard.