95. You Can Do Everything Right and Still Get Breast Cancer with Jenna Werner

I grieved my life when I was hit with my recovery the first time from my eating disorder.

I grieved the life that I had prior to kids three times because every time it gets harder and easier, it's very interesting.

But like you become such a different version of yourself and there's still part of you or for me personally that... you know, grieves the life that maybe I didn't appreciate enough prior to having kids.

Right.

And now I have so much grief for the mental state that I had only two months ago.

It was only two months ago, right? Like two months ago, prior to going through this, this may sound wrong, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I never worried about myself.

Because I took care of myself.

I worried about my kids from the moment they took their first breath.

From the moment I found out they were growing inside me, I worried about them.

I've always worried about my husband because, you know, he has chronic illness as well.

So I've always worried about my family, never myself.

I've done what I needed to do to take care of myself.

And now I have this layer of like, why the fuck do I also have to worry about myself?

Well, and I think there's, there's something to like feeling invincible.

And I think, you know, like just, just to name it, right.

I think that there's probably a privilege in existing in a societally acceptable body.

Whereas like, I cannot imagine that like something that was like not caused by my fatness, not being blamed like a book.

Well, also maybe you should try to lose weight.

And so the fact that that doctor was like this, there was nothing you could have done.

There was nothing that you could have done differently.

And we will start to do that when we are scapegoating our bodies of like, I just want to feel safe in my body.