030: From Roommates to Lovers: Why Desire Disappears & How to Bring It Back with Xanet Pailet

What happens when the person you love starts to feel more like a roommate than a lover? This week on *SIP with Summers*, I’m joined by sex and intimacy coach, bestselling author, and founder of Passionate Intimacy Retreats **Xanet Pailet** for a candid conversation about why desire disappears in long-term relationships and, more importantly, what couples can actually do to bring it back. Xanet knows this subject personally. After spending 26 years in a sexless marriage, she left both her marriage and her career as a healthcare attorney at 50 and began a completely new chapter. Today, she helps couples rebuild the emotional, physical, and erotic connection that can quietly disappear after years together. We talk about why a lack of sex is often a symptom of something deeper, how unresolved resentment and emotional disconnection affect desire, and why your "low libido" may not be the whole story. We also get into responsive desire, the importance of nonsexual touch, why being wet doesn't necessarily mean you're ready for penetration, mismatched expectations around sex, and why scheduling intimacy might actually be sexier than you think. Xanet also shares why emotional safety is such an important foundation for great sex and how simple practices like eye gazing, intentional touch, and getting curious about your partner again can begin rebuilding connection. And because this is *SIP with Summers*, we also talk about clitorises, vibrators, menopause, bad sex, and why sometimes the fastest route back to desire is simply making sex something you actually want to have. **In this episode, we talk about:** - Why couples can become great roommates but stop feeling like lovers - Xanet's experience in a 26-year sexless marriage - Why desire often goes underground instead of simply disappearing - Emotional safety and its connection to sexual desire - How unresolved conflict and resentment affect intimacy - Responsive vs. spontaneous desire - Why nonsexual touch matters - How to start talking about a disconnected sex life - Whether scheduling sex actually works - Sex and intimacy during perimenopause and menopause - Eye gazing and other practices for rebuilding connection - How to make intimacy intentional, playful, and pleasurable again Not sure what you actually need to feel connected? Take Xanet's free **Intimacy Equation Quiz**. It's a quick 3-minute quiz designed to help you identify your unique intimacy formula and give couples an easier way to start conversations that can otherwise feel pretty damn awkward. You'll receive your results immediately, plus a follow-up explaining how your intimacy type interacts with others and additional resources for creating deeper connection. **Take the quiz:** https://howtoimprovemylovellife.com Xanet and I also put together the **Passion & Play Kit**, designed to help couples get out of routine and explore touch, sensation, anticipation, and play together. The kit includes a blindfold and feather tickler, aromatherapy massage oil, a sensory glove, and fur handcuffs. Consider it your permission slip to stop doing the same three things you've been doing for years. 😉 **Get the Passion & Play Kit:** https://summersoflove.com/products/passion-and-play-kit Use code **XANET** for a special listener discount. Because desire isn't necessarily gone. Sometimes it just needs the right conditions, a little curiosity, and an invitation to come back. ❤️