Best Of SMR: The Lower Desire Wife| Dr Jennifer Finlayson-Fife #796

When you're talking about the dynamics of marriage and how we believe that sex and marriage is a sacred, blessed thing by God, but it's also one of those things that, man, it can be so cumbersome and...

So troublesome, because when you first were meeting, it was easy, maybe, as far as the desire goes.

Sex maybe wasn't easy, but the desire probably was.

And then as you get into it, all of a sudden, it's not.

And so how do you enter into that arena with people?

Well, first, I think it's probably good to just normalize that shift because I think a lot of people take that as a kind of pathology somehow of their marriage or of who they chose as opposed to a reality that comes out of what are the fundamental dynamics of desire.

And so when you're in the falling in love stage, all the novelty, the uncertainty, the you know, the ways that your beloved expands your sense of self,

right?

Because now this person that you really think is attractive and you value thinks you're attractive and values you and wants to be close to you and is validating of your sexual desirability.

That makes us feel good about ourselves.

And so we want it and we go towards it.

And it's exciting because you don't necessarily know what's on the other side of that bridge.

And those are all the kind of qualities of desire.

when you make it highly legal though, when you move into marriage, right, as we do.

And now for many of us, especially those who've grown up in a religious tradition around what it is to be good and sexual or what it is particularly to be a female and be good and be sexual, it often moves quickly into the obligation frame,

right? That if

I'm a good wife or a good partner, I will have sex.

And now, you know, God expected me to be chaste perhaps before marriage.

And That was part of the forbidden that made it desirable.

Now, if I'm doing God's will, I'm supposed to have sex and I'm supposed to like it.

And now it's highly legal, highly expected.

And for those of us who've grown up with any idea that our sexuality belongs to our partner, not to ourselves...

Or if I'm a good woman in my religious tradition, you know, you give this over to your husband.

Right.

The gift you give him.