119 | Duty Sex: Saying Yes When Part of You Means No with Dr. Holly Richmond

Most women know the feeling. You say yes. Your body shows up. But some part of you is somewhere else entirely — running through tomorrow's to-do list, waiting for it to be over, checking a box so you will not be expected to again for a week. It is called duty sex. And it is one of the most common and least talked-about dynamics in long-term relationships. In this episode for Sexual Health Awareness Month, Gabriella sits down with Dr. Holly Richmond, somatic psychologist, certified sex therapist, and author of Reclaiming Pleasure, for one of the most honest and practically rich conversations this show has ever had about desire, self-abandonment, and what it actually takes to move from going through the motions to having sex worth wanting. This is not a conversation about broken relationships or broken women. Nobody is broken here. But the system — the way we were taught to think about desire, consent, and our own pleasure — needs a serious upgrade. And this episode is a very good place to start. **Are you ready to awaken your sensuality and feel more empowered in your body? Access the FREE Pleasure Upgrade Bundle at** https://www.pleasureinthepause.com/gift**.** Dr. Holly Richmond is a somatic psychotherapist, certified sex therapist and sex therapy supervisor, and Associate Director of Modern Sex Therapy Institutes. An internationally recognized therapist, high-profile couples coach, speaker, retreat facilitator, and author of *Reclaiming Pleasure: A Sex-Positive Guide for Moving Past Sexual Trauma and Living a Passionate Life*, she takes a sex-positive approach to helping clients build healthy relationships and improve their sex lives in ways that are authentic, embodied and long-lasting. With a significant media following, her work has been featured in *The New York Times, CNN, Oprah, Forbes, Netflix, NBC*, and *Cosmopolitan*, among others.  Highlights from our discussion include: - What duty sex actually is and the difference between self-abandonment and a generous act of connection - What happens in a woman's body when she repeatedly says yes while part of her means no — numbness, resentment, and pain as the body's way of speaking - Spontaneous versus responsive desire and why understanding the difference changes everything for midlife women - What a sexual template is, why most women have never developed one, and how to start - The three-part framework from Reclaiming Pleasure — control, pleasure, and connection — and how to use it to assess whether sex is happening in a sex-positive way - The four things the healthiest couples do: active appreciations, giving the benefit of the doubt, affectionate touch without expectation, and talking about sex - Why nobody is broken — the lower desire partner, the higher desire partner, or the relationship — and what actually needs to change Dr. Holly Richmond says it plainly at the end of this conversation: nobody is broken here. Not the lower desire partner. Not the higher desire partner. The system is broken. And most of it can be repaired with more communication, more transparency, and more willingness to actually talk about sex — which almost none of us were taught to do.  **If you're seeking to reclaim your pleasure and vitality, join Gabriella at** ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠www.pleasureinthepause.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ **for this enlightening journey into the heart of female pleasure and empowerment.** CONNECT WITH DR. HOLLY: Website Instagram RESOURCES:  Book: Reclaiming Pleasure by Dr. Holly Richmond Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski Episode 116 — How to Take the Vacation Version of You Home Full episodes on YouTube. *The information shared on Pleasure in the Pause is for educational and informational purposes only and is not intended as medical advice. Always consult your healthcare provider before making any decisions about your health or treatment. The views expressed by guests are their own and do not necessarily reflect the views of the host or Pleasure in the Pause.*