278. Emotional Safety with Stefanos Sifandos

yeah yeah and i want to get a little deeper into safety right like we're we're talking a lot about that specifically emotional safety and And yeah, if you could give us some context in your own words, what does emotional safety actually mean to you? And what does this maybe even look like in a healthy intimate relationship?

I think it looks like a number of different things.

Firstly, emotional safety has to be the felt sense of self insecurity of being your genuine self in the world, right? Expressing your truth, your true thoughts, sharing, your vulnerabilities without a focus on the fear of judgment rejection um ridicule punishment um humiliation like you're not attached to any of that so you're not contorting yourself right you're not wearing masks to be someone you think the world needs you and wants you to be It also means that conflict doesn't threaten the core connection that you have with self and others and that your nervous system can relax and not be hypervigilant rather than be on this constant guard.

And so that level of emotional safety connected to self – It also means we have to do our inner work around that.

We have to know what activates and triggers us.

We have to be able to stay regulated when we want to be dysregulated because we want to be dysregulated so that our survival, relational survival strategies can kick in, right? And that's important.

So if we look at some signs of having emotional safety in a relationship, it could be that you have very clear agreements, that you're open to discussing what does it look like when we do conflict? How do we want to share our values? If we want to make changes in the relationship, how do we communicate that? You just have agreements around that.

And you have an ability, there's trust in, and you know, there's reciprocal trust in how you communicate with each other.

And you have an opportunity to share your boundaries.

Like there's no walking on eggshells.

Like that would indicate emotional safety, right? You know how to actively listen, validate someone's responses, be empathetic, like truly attuned to the other person.

You seek to understand them

and, of

course, yourself.

Like that defines emotional safety.

there's freedom to make mistakes we're human there's freedoms to to up right to to say oh i'm sorry i acted in reactivity there i understand where that came from here's my awareness around it here's my commitment to something new and here's my sincere apology and here is my request and what request do you have of me like that level of maturity can define emotional um safety another example could be you know you're not you're not weaponizing the past against each other.

You're not holding onto grudges.

You don't have withholds.

And there's a space.

Again, there's an agreement in saying, if I have a withhold, there's a space for me to share that withhold and that judgment, and I'm going to take ownership of it.

So radical responsibility is a big part of cultivating emotional safety.

And the

final thing I'll say, and I'll say two more things, and there's a lot here.

There's obviously more, but I've said I think a lot, is the ability and desire and willingness to repair in conflict.

and take