Episode 8: The Open Loop

So I recognize I'm going to sound completely crazy when I share this with you.

But a year or so ago, I was in New York for work.

I was checking into my hotel and I heard the words you're always hoping to hear at the desk.

Congratulations, you've been upgraded to a suite with a private balcony.

And I get up to my room and it's New York big, which is like everywhere else, normal size.

So sweet is a generous term.

But still, it's a lovely room with a beautiful balcony and it has a view of the Empire State Building, except that the balcony door doesn't lock.

And it's connected with a large hedge and a wall to some other kind of balcony space.

I couldn't tell what was over there.

I just couldn't figure out what was happening.

And there are probably a lot of other people who would be like, this is normal.

Balcony doors don't always lock.

Anyway, because of fire codes and whatever other hotel policies.

But I've watched a lot of Law & Order SVU.

And I know for sure that since many of those stories are inspired by true events, that many people have broken into hotel rooms via balconies and murdered hotel guests.

So I was not having it.

I went to the desk and I said, hey, can I please downgrade? I am more interested in being alive than, you know, the faux luxury of this balcony.

And let's be real, I'm not going to use it because I don't go outside anyway.

And they looked at me like I was completely crazy.

And they were like, who do you think is going to get up there? Spider-Man? And they're like giggling.

It was on the 15th or 18th floor or something.

I mean, I'm outlining all of the possibilities to them.

And frankly, I was starting to wonder if they were in on it because I definitely saw an SVU episode where that happened too.

But regardless, they told me that there were no other rooms available and I needed to stay.

So then I did what any normal person with my level of paranoia combined with willingness to tackle problems would do, which is I built a lightweight, Home Alone-inspired booby trap system using my suitcase, the belt from the hotel robe, and balancing various espresso cups on top of things so that hopefully I would wake up and have enough time to make a phone call if someone did come in through the balcony door to try to murder me.

this is the kind of system I felt like was going to keep me safe.

I don't know about you, but if you were me, I'm really hoping that like this is sounding normal to a handful of people.

But if you were me, if you're in the state that I was in, if you had built said booby trap system, if you had absolutely no faith in your own understanding of like basic mechanical engineering, and as a result, you know that the system is not really going to do anything and hoping that some noise wakes you up when you already have a lot of issues with your hearing, it's probably not the best thing to bet on.

Whole thing is... not really a setup for safety.

It's also not really a recipe for good sleep because I stayed up all night just making sure I was able to, you know, exercise my not natural cat-like reflexes should something happen.

And at the end of the day, it really wasn't this broken door, the not locked door that was the problem.

It was my own overactive imagination and this open loop just playing multiple murders, breaking in and entering on repeat.

And that prevented me from getting any sleep that evening.

And then the next day, I have to tell a bunch of coworkers the story so that they understood why I was not well rested for a brainstorm.

But frankly, they probably all also thought I was mentally unwell.

But I am unwell.

alive.

And that's important, and I am able to talk about it, even if it leads to tremendous judgment from others.