Love and Spark is Lost? How to Rebuild Intimacy in a Long-Term Relationship | Dr. Alexandra Stockwell

yeah i mean we can stop the rapid fire and please go ahead with your story

Okay, so I once, this was before the pandemic, I gave a presentation to a women's business meeting group about how communication and all the kinds of topics we're talking about.

And there was a woman who was there She actually had no interest in my topic because she'd been married for 32 years, and as far as she was concerned, had a strong marriage that didn't need any additional inspiration.

But she came in order to hear the talk afterwards.

But she was there, she sat down, she paid attention.

She, based on what I said, which is the same as what I've just said to you, she went home and that evening asked her husband some of the open-ended questions that I recommended, like, what has been most fulfilling for you in the past week or month? Or what do you find most challenging? Or...

If you could have dinner with any celebrity, alive or dead, who would it be and what would you ask them? I mean, there are a whole bunch of questions.

I'll give a few more examples.

But my point is, you might want to ask something that's humorous, something that's deep and profound, something that's just, I don't know, something you've never heard about.

Like, when you think of what it was like to meet me, Have I turned out the way you thought? Or has it turned out to be different than you would have expected to be in relationship with me? In other words, it can be light, heavy, whatever it is.

But the point is that even when you've been married, as this woman was for 32 years, or I have for 30 years, It's very easy to feel like, oh, I know my partner well.

I don't need to ask these kinds of questions that I asked a ton of when we first got together.

Anyway, this woman took my advice to heart and she asked, I don't know exactly what, but a few open-ended questions and listened generously to his answers.

And she contacted me a few days later to tell me that She felt more connected and more intimate than they had in many years and went on to make love in a way that had a new flavor.

And this was a woman who had a relationship that was healthy and meaningful.

So, If your relationship is one where you feel isolated and lonely and unseen, where you sometimes feel that way and sometimes feel really connected, or if you just feel like your relationship is exactly where you would wish it would be, no matter where you are, this is in response to the question, what's one thing couples can do tonight? And my suggestion is ask open-ended questions and then bring your attention to generously listen to the answer.

That's amazing.

You know, recently, this was over the weekend actually, since you're talking about the open-ended questions, is my husband was reading a book.

And he says, hey, in this book, it says that instead of asking each other at the end of the day, how are you or how was your day, which we tend to ask, we should change it or modify it to what was the most happiest moment of your day today.

So we've been doing that for the last days, Wednesdays, so Monday and Tuesday.

And it actually brings about a very different conversation because it makes me ponder, okay, the entire day, let me reflect.

Happiest moment, I have to pick this, that, this, right? And then the engagement that the other person is also trying to figure out what was it.

It's absolutely different in terms of how we see each other, the perspective, but also that, oh, someone asked me about my happiest moment, not just how was your day and I start cribbing about the day or start complaining about the day.

So I love these open-ended questions, what you're bringing about.

Well, another thing, I really love this from your husband, because how is your day? Basically, unless you consciously make a shift, for most of us, that feels like an invitation to basically report.